Should you see it? The Elvira's Movie Macabre version has its moments.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds."
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
The Day It Came to Earth (1977)
How bad is it? Poor homage to 1950's trash.
Should you see it? The Elvira's Movie Macabre version has its moments.
Making a 1950's-type monster movie in the 1970's could've made for a fun parody, but this appears to be a straight homage and that doesn't work. George Gobel plays an astrophysicist. Rita Wilson has a small role. Much of the cast is billed under pseudonyms. The director's best known for creating TV shows like "Designing Women." A meteor crashes, a monster is created from a criminal that gets revenge before terrorizing the cast of youngsters and there's some intentionally silly stuff, such as calling the monster GeeGaGoo. It's mildly diverting fluff.
Should you see it? The Elvira's Movie Macabre version has its moments.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
The Danger Zone (1987)
How bad is it? Pretty bad babes and bikers flick.
Should you see it? Don't go out of your way.
"Where'd you learn how to do that?"
"I studied with a Zen master for 15 years. Then I snapped his neck."
That's the best line in the film.
Six girls in a band (with very 80's hair and clothes) get to do a TV show, so they drive across the desert to get there and the car breaks down at a biker hang-out, just as a drug deal was going down. The rest of the film is their trying to escape; there just happens to be an undercover cop, there just happens to be a hidden cache of weapons, there just happens to be a snake susceptible to hair spray. A guy gets burned in a sleeping bag, a girl gets run over, a guy gets whipped. The fight scenes are sometimes comical.
Should you see it? Don't go out of your way.
"I studied with a Zen master for 15 years. Then I snapped his neck."
That's the best line in the film.
Six girls in a band (with very 80's hair and clothes) get to do a TV show, so they drive across the desert to get there and the car breaks down at a biker hang-out, just as a drug deal was going down. The rest of the film is their trying to escape; there just happens to be an undercover cop, there just happens to be a hidden cache of weapons, there just happens to be a snake susceptible to hair spray. A guy gets burned in a sleeping bag, a girl gets run over, a guy gets whipped. The fight scenes are sometimes comical.
Monday, November 21, 2016
The Jerky Boys Movie (1995)
aka Jerky Boys: The Movie
How bad is it? Guys famous for doing one thing don't do that one thing.
Should you see it? Only to remember when caller ID wasn't popular.
Okay: I thought the Jerky Boys weren't funny on their comedy albums, so I'm not the audience for this. The plot has two low-lifes pretend to be mobsters on the phone, so they get in trouble with both the mob and the police. The stars aren't actors and having a plot seems foreign to them. The film has some interesting people in the cast, mostly in cameos: Alan Arkin, Paul Bartel, William Hickey, Vincent Pastore, Ozzy Osborne, Tom Jones and the band Helmet. The story is full of holes and doesn't really go anywhere, but that seems immaterial for fans of the title stars.
How bad is it? Guys famous for doing one thing don't do that one thing.
Should you see it? Only to remember when caller ID wasn't popular.
 |
| I think I know that woman in the middle of the shot. |
Sunday, November 20, 2016
J.C. (1972)
How bad is it? It's one of the worse biker films, but not nearly the worst.
Should you see it? If you stumble across it, sure.
Brought up in a strict Baptist home, our hero rebels by becoming a biker. Then, high, he has a vision and becomes a sort of hippie messiah... but then the film just ignores that and it becomes a basic biker film. The redneck sheriff, played by Slim Pickens, arrests one of the guys pretty much for being black; the rest of the film is poor attempts to bust him out of jail. There's a scene where a girl's about to be raped, the guy repents and then - get this! - she sleeps with him. In the end, our hero, befitting his moniker of "J.C.," gets sacrificed. The image that sticks in your mind after watching this, though, is the star in his none too clean underwear.
I saw this really hoping it was the lost film "Him." It's not.
Should you see it? If you stumble across it, sure.
Brought up in a strict Baptist home, our hero rebels by becoming a biker. Then, high, he has a vision and becomes a sort of hippie messiah... but then the film just ignores that and it becomes a basic biker film. The redneck sheriff, played by Slim Pickens, arrests one of the guys pretty much for being black; the rest of the film is poor attempts to bust him out of jail. There's a scene where a girl's about to be raped, the guy repents and then - get this! - she sleeps with him. In the end, our hero, befitting his moniker of "J.C.," gets sacrificed. The image that sticks in your mind after watching this, though, is the star in his none too clean underwear.
I saw this really hoping it was the lost film "Him." It's not.
Saturday, November 19, 2016
Jack and the Beanstalk (1970)
How bad is it? Easily one of the worst children's films ever made.
Should you see it? Ugh. If a children's film by an exploitation director's what you crave...
This Barry Mahon film is now available from Something Weird Video on a double bill with his "Wonderful World of Oz." I don't know why Mahon went from making nudie and roughie films to making children's films, but this came out three years after the Gene Kelly film of the same name, so perhaps he hoped there'd be some confusion. The film has a very 1970 look, from the fashions to the hair (there are two girls I had trouble telling apart) but it has a remarkably crisp and clean look, due to using the original negative. You know the plot. Jack sells his family's cow to "Honest John, Used Cow Salesman." He climbs the beanstalk three times to pad the film. There are endless bad songs, with the giant repeating his song a few times. The giant set is too large for the giant, which is slightly amusing. The green screen used for the scenes with Jack and the giant is not well done. This is perhaps the worst of Mahon's kid films, though I have a special animosity toward "Thumbelina" which just got spliced into "Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny."
Should you see it? Ugh. If a children's film by an exploitation director's what you crave...
This Barry Mahon film is now available from Something Weird Video on a double bill with his "Wonderful World of Oz." I don't know why Mahon went from making nudie and roughie films to making children's films, but this came out three years after the Gene Kelly film of the same name, so perhaps he hoped there'd be some confusion. The film has a very 1970 look, from the fashions to the hair (there are two girls I had trouble telling apart) but it has a remarkably crisp and clean look, due to using the original negative. You know the plot. Jack sells his family's cow to "Honest John, Used Cow Salesman." He climbs the beanstalk three times to pad the film. There are endless bad songs, with the giant repeating his song a few times. The giant set is too large for the giant, which is slightly amusing. The green screen used for the scenes with Jack and the giant is not well done. This is perhaps the worst of Mahon's kid films, though I have a special animosity toward "Thumbelina" which just got spliced into "Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny."
Friday, November 18, 2016
Joysticks (1983)
aka Joy Sticks, aka Video Madness
How bad is it? 80's tits-and-laffs, with little of either.
Should you see it? Some of the cast might have their fans and they might be interested.
Greydon Clark directed this, which is never a good sign (like Jerry Paris, his films are never good, but passable if you're in the mood). Joe Don Baker stars as the disapproving father of a girl who's interested in a video arcade. The guy who runs the place can't play the games because of a long lost love - really. There's some attempts at humor, such as people dressed as Pac Man ghosts, that don't work and there's the usual dumb excuses for toplessness, in this case strip video games, but they're few and far between. Many of the young cast went on to minor roles in TV series, so seeing them in early roles might be of some interest, but I can't name any of the actors or shows without looking them up (which isn't worth the effort).
How bad is it? 80's tits-and-laffs, with little of either.
Should you see it? Some of the cast might have their fans and they might be interested.
Greydon Clark directed this, which is never a good sign (like Jerry Paris, his films are never good, but passable if you're in the mood). Joe Don Baker stars as the disapproving father of a girl who's interested in a video arcade. The guy who runs the place can't play the games because of a long lost love - really. There's some attempts at humor, such as people dressed as Pac Man ghosts, that don't work and there's the usual dumb excuses for toplessness, in this case strip video games, but they're few and far between. Many of the young cast went on to minor roles in TV series, so seeing them in early roles might be of some interest, but I can't name any of the actors or shows without looking them up (which isn't worth the effort).
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Jacker 2: Descent to Hell (1996)
How bad is it? Poor plot, poor acting, poor production values.
Should you see it? I think not.
I never saw the original "Jacker" [Gasp! There's a film I haven't seen and I admit it!] and I may have missed some plot points because of that. The film starts where the last one ended, with a guy going splat, but it turns out he lived. There's some police procedural - and three cops played by the same guy, one with a ridiculous wig - and then a carjacking of a carjacker. Shot on video, this has no visual appeal and even has a visible lens smudge that never gets cleaned. The supernatural element of this adds little (the jacker can't be killed and is malevolent as hell, literally). The deaths are meant to be gory but are underwhelming, the performances are at best weak, the direction aimless and the story moronic. Yeah; I didn't like this one.
Should you see it? I think not.
I never saw the original "Jacker" [Gasp! There's a film I haven't seen and I admit it!] and I may have missed some plot points because of that. The film starts where the last one ended, with a guy going splat, but it turns out he lived. There's some police procedural - and three cops played by the same guy, one with a ridiculous wig - and then a carjacking of a carjacker. Shot on video, this has no visual appeal and even has a visible lens smudge that never gets cleaned. The supernatural element of this adds little (the jacker can't be killed and is malevolent as hell, literally). The deaths are meant to be gory but are underwhelming, the performances are at best weak, the direction aimless and the story moronic. Yeah; I didn't like this one.
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