Bang Bang! (2014)

How bad is it? 7
How unintentionally bad is it? 8
How entertainingly bad is it? 4

This is a Bollywood remake of "Knight and Day," a film I didn't care for to begin with. Adding 30 minutes of musical numbers and another 20 of product placement (why is there a Pizza Hut on a mountain cliff?) doesn't help. It was directed by Siddharth Anand, who also did "Dhoom 2" which I plan to review later and he's not good - he likes to pad the film with lingering emotive shots, while making a basic action pic. The plot has a woman getting involved with a mysterious man and then being led around the world through dangerous stunts, while trying to decide if he's a good guy or a bad guy. She can't act (I'm also told she can't speak Hindi well, but that's not something I can judge). The film ends up just being beefcake shots of the male lead.

Baby Ghost (1995)

How bad is it? 9
How unintentionally bad is it? 6
How entertainingly bad is it? 4

A kid film directed by Donald G. Jackson (who's all over this blog) and starring Joe Estevez, this shot on video cheapie is about kids who discover a 300 year-old baby ghost (which is thought by much of the cast for much of the film to be an alien, which actually makes sense). They end up trapping it in a video game... because it works. Most of the film is in one building, and even in one hallway. Most of the shots of the ghost are superimposed upon static backgrounds to make it easier to shoot. The script, acting, and direction are all bottom of the barrel and its attempts at humor fail.

Another Gay Movie (2006)

How bad is it? 8
How unintentionally bad is it? 7
How enjoyably bad is it? 0

This was intended to be a gay "American Pie" and it even substitutes a quiche for the requisite pie scene. It fails, however, in getting any of the warm relationship moments of the original and, instead, settles for fart jokes. People seem to be divided into those who loved the film and those who hate it and, surprisingly, whether you're gay or straight doesn't decide which group you fall into (I'm straight and hated it). I expected the stereotypes - including non-gay stereotypes - and I expected the cheap easy jokes. I just hoped there's be something more. The direction and acting are as lazy as the script.

Autumn Born (1979)

How bad is it? 8
How unintentionally bad is it? 9
How enjoyably bad is it? 3

This was Dorothy Stratten's first film, a soft-core porn film without sex. She stars as a 17 year-old who's been spending her inheritance, so her father sets her up to be kidnapped and sort-of reprogrammed by an uncle (if I recall), via beatings, rape and humiliation. She goes a little insane and befriends a toy mouse and sort-of develops Stockholm Syndrome before she turns the tables on her captor and escapes. The ending has a twist so close to the last frame that you have to sort-of put the plot together yourself. [Yes, that's three "sort-of" comments. It sort-of a movie.] All the film is is shots of Stratten's body being shown to its best advantage, but the film isn't even well-shot or well-lit.

Arachnicide (2014)

How bad is it? 8
How unintentionally bad is it? 8
How enjoyably bad is it? 3

This just might be the bottom of the barrel of giant spider films. Scientists have developed a chemical that makes things grow and criminals have stolen it to make huge plants for their illegal drug empire. Authorities try to stop them, so they create a giant spider to guard them. Then there's a gunfight to stop the spiders, but only after an hour of pointless talk (and the voices are badly dubbed). There's a scene where nothing happens for 5 minutes - well, there is a conversation, but it has nothing to do with advancing the plot or characterization (oh, if only this had been passing a Bechdel Test scene!)

Andy Colby's Incredible Adventure (1988)

aka Andy and the Airwave Rangers, aka Andy Colby's Incredible Video Adventure


How bad is it? 8
How unintentionally bad is it? 6
How enjoyably bad is it? 8

This film out-Cormans Roger Corman (who produced)! The story is about a girl who gets sucked into a television by a villain trying to steal colors from our world and her brother who goes in after her. We then get treated to them interacting via green screen with characters from old Corman films: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom, Deathsport, Space Raiders and Chopping Mall, among others, so we get cameos by Bo Svenson, Erik Estrada and Richard Thomas. The acting is bad even by kid film standards and the whole thing is put together in the most lazy way possible. It's so padded (in 76 minutes) that we see the same commercial in its entirety twice. It's kind of fun to see how throwaway it is and trying to recall which (better) films are being pilfered, but it wears thin fast.

Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)

aka Anaconda 4, aka Anaconda 4: Trail of Blood, aka Anaconda 4 - Trail of Blood

How bad is it? 8
How unintentionally bad is it? 7
How enjoyably bad is it? 4

Shot concurrently with Anaconda 3 this is probably the worst film with John Rhys-Davies, though he's shown up on this blog more than you'd expect. An elderly man wants a snake venom to extend his life, but it's used by scientists to make a giant snake that, if cut in two, becomes two snakes. There is very little plot, most characters are just snake fodder, no one behaves as they would  in real life, the snake is very poor CGI, the kills are uninteresting, a South American river snake seems to do well in a forest in eastern Europe (which while purportedly mountainous, is flat in every scene)... this is just film unspooling at 32 frames per second.

Amber Alert (2012)

How bad is it? 5
How unintentionally bad is it? 8
How enjoyably bad is it? 2

Admittedly, I hate "found footage" films - "The Blair Witch Project" is the only film I have ever walked out on and asked for my money back - and this is a found footage film. Even given that, this is pretty wretched. There's a plausible explanation given for their having a video camera and then the film starts; three people in a car spot a car that's involved in an issued amber alert, they call the police... and then do everything they shouldn't, while bickering for 80 minutes. The characters are annoying and undeveloped, there are a few tense moments (but not enough) and the idea of "Rear Window" at 60 mph is never realized. It was a good idea, but handled badly.

Alpha Girls (2013)

How bad is it? 4
How unintentionally bad is it? 8
How enjoyably bad is it? 6

This film has cameos by Schooly D and Ron Jeremy, otherwise is a 1980's throwback version of "The Craft." Sorority girls decide to use witchcraft and it backfires. One girl is hanged by her underwear. There are some intentional laughs, the look is better than the budget and excepting one scene, the pacing isn't bad. This isn't terrible, by any means.

Aliens on Crack (2009)

aka Planet Rehab

How bad is it? 9
How unintentionally bad is it? 3
How enjoyably bad is it? 5

It seems that the crew on some other film decide to make their own film in their down time. Aliens try to take over the world by getting people addicted. Hillbillies heavily into marijuana, rather than crack, oppose them, making this a stoner comedy (if it were funny, which it isn't). This looks like it was shot in a day or two, has a cast of maybe 7 and the only thing going for it is that some of the cast are attractive.

Aliens Are to be Blamed for Everything (1991)

How bad is it? 7
How unintentionally bad is it? 9
How enjoyably bad is it? 4

Well, this is certainly an oddity. It would appear that this is the third film of a series made in Serbia when government control of the media had led to cheap (in every sense of the word) entertainment. The jokes don't work, but at least some of that has to be a translation problem. The story is about a local election that gets confused when a space alien runs for office and two bumbling policemen are called on to smooth things over. Shot on video, probably for television, the sound is fuzzy and the budget seems minuscule.

American Force Ninja (1988)

aka Empire of the Spiritual Ninja

How bad is it? 8
How unintentionally bad is it? 4
How enjoyably bad is it? 5

Still another film Godfrey Ho directed under a pseudonym, splicing together two unrelated films. This one is distinguished by a ninja with a swastika and a "tame" ninja. Ninjas, contrary to everything you know, attack visibly in groups. They can't be killed with bullets, or, as shown at the end of this film, hand grenades, but throwing stars with attached rockets are okay (if thrown by a ninja). For unexplained reasons, characters laugh when their friends are killed in front of them. There's a ton of dull disco and water skiing footage. The plot is, um, bad guy attacks former master.

All Superheroes Must Die (2011)

aka vs

How bad is it? 5
How unintentionally bad is it? 8
How enjoyably bad is it? 6

This and "FP" by the same director are tricky films to judge. This was made for $20000 in a few days, including editing, and it shows. There are four superheroes in tacky costumes (it make sense in the world of the film, which is clever for the small budget) who have to battle a bad guy, who also happens to be the only person trying to act. The plot has holes, the effects are poorly done, the dialogue seems to have been partly improvised or written as they went, the acting is mostly amateurish, but the direction and cinematography are decent. There's a plot twist that makes no sense. It's enjoyable, though, just an idea that can't be done on the budget imposed.

Alien Arsenal (1999)

aka Teenage Alien Avengers

How bad is it? 7
How unintentionally bad is it? 8
How enjoyably bad is it? 7

This essentially a remake of "Laserblast" with some "Power Rangers" thrown in, directed by David DeCoteau and with some involvement by Charles Band. Unfortunately, this seems to have been aimed at a young audience, but targeted to adults. There's a slow chase scene involving a station wagon and an old Toyota, a huge explosion for little reason (pretty cool, actually, in the Farm Film Report "it blowed up real good" standard), a bad guy named Flash Gunderson, some terrible dialogue ("Howz about a knuckle sandwich from fist city?") and alien uniforms that are obviously made from sporting equipment. The plot has some high school geeks doing a sort of detention discovering alien technology. They use this technology to torment the jocks who had tormented them. Then they have a moment of personal growth as they realize they didn't need all the alien stuff to solve their self-worth issues. Then the aliens come back for their stuff and trouble ensues.

Adventures in Dinosaur City (1991)

How bad is it? 7
How unintentionally bad is it? 7
How enjoyably bad is it? 7

This is a children's film that plays like a very poor episode of the early 1990's TV show "Dinosaurs," which must have been their inspiration. Some kids have a favorite animated TV show (called "Dinosaurs") and happen to have inventor parents that made a sort-of time machine in their garage that can be controlled with a big 1990's remote control - which we later learn has a disintegrate the thing you point at function! The kids get sucked into a different dimension with their favorite TV show's characters and have to battle the evil Mr. Big who's building a tower that must be destroyed; at no point is the tower explained. The bad guys turn out to be neanderthalish (there's a cro-magnon joke in there as well). The rubber lizard costumes are cheesy. There's some really uncomfortable creepy moments as a teenage girl's breasts become the focus of, well, everyone. There's endless convenient plot adjustments - oh, hey, I can fly, whattayaknow? (oh, and there's some Joisey accents, for no apparent reason). It's so lame that it can be enjoyed for its lameness.

Abducted by the Daloids (2005)

aka Abducted by the Daleks

How bad is it? 7
How unintentionally bad is it? 5
How enjoyably bad is it? 6

Soft-core porn science fiction was sort of my jam in the 1970's, when I was too young to watch it legally; it had not improved any in the 30 years before this was made. The film is only known because the BBC sued them for copyright infringement (hence the name change on the copy I found) and that has made it quite hard to find. After a party, a car full of women hit someone/something on the road and end up investigating - in the woods in high heels, and where a serial killer's been known to hunt, no less - before being abducted by aliens straight out of "Dr. Who." It's a clever idea, really, to do a low budget spoof of something low budget to begin with, but there's no Doctor character and even the daleks themselves range from rather passable to quite poor; other than having each made from what was available and by different people, it's hard to know how unintentional the shoddiness is. The daleks insist on interrogating their captives in the nude, for reasons not adequately explored and it's said that their plan is to impregnate them, though how isn't clear and the closest they get is plunger-arm to breast. Less than an hour long, it runs out of steam quickly.