Saturday, December 3, 2016

The Galaxy Invader (1988)

How bad is it? One of the worst rednecks vs alien films.
Should you see it? Everyone should see a Don Dohler film, just maybe not this one.

Don Dohler made some incredibly cheap and cheap-looking films. This one has a half-way decent monster suit, but not much else. It's mostly people running through the woods, padding a 10 minute film to 80. There's some redneck family troubles, then the alien arrives and gets dispatched and then it resolves the family problems with a shotgun and the worst dummy-thrown-off-a-cliff-where-no-cliff-should be shot. Some of the badness seems intentional - beer brands alternate way too often for simple continuity errors and a guy drools for no good reason. The script is poor, the acting poor (mostly the director's friends and family) and the direction haphazard. Nonetheless, Dohler's films tend to be watchable. This got spoofed by RiffTrax and some footage got put into "The Pod People" (though I don't know why).

Friday, December 2, 2016

The Fantastic Four (1994)

How bad is it? It's mediocre.
Should you see it? You could do worse, but why bother?

This is the Roger Corman-produced film, not the animated series of the same name released the same year.

There's been enough films from Marvel that you probably know the plot: four people go to space and come back with superpowers; then they have to use them for good. This was made for a reported $1 million and the budget looks like it went mostly to one costume. The special effects are often quite bad, especially with the elastic guy - his arm waving from the limo is funny, for example. The acting isn't great and the plot has some issues (two people fall in love much too fast and conveniently), but it's closer to the original comics... so I'm told... than the films from the 2000's. The stories surrounding this getting shelved probably are more interesting than the film itself.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

The Final Storm (2010)

How bad is it? Slow and unthrilling thriller.
Should you see it? Not really, unless you're a Luke Perry fan.

People have to stop picking on Uwe Boll so I can stop watching every film he makes. This one's not great, but far from terrible. Luke Perry plays a mysterious stranger that shows up at a farmhouse during a storm. Then it appears that all the neighbors are missing. Is it the end of the world? If it is the end of the world, are we at least going to see Lauren Holly topless first? [yes. and it appears she's had some work done] There's a very mundane explanation and a violent bit that takes way too long to happen and a final shot that undermines the mundane explanation in favor of the end of the world.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

The Day It Came to Earth (1977)

How bad is it? Poor homage to 1950's trash.
Should you see it? The Elvira's Movie Macabre version has its moments.

Making a 1950's-type monster movie in the 1970's could've made for a fun parody, but this appears to be a straight homage and that doesn't work. George Gobel plays an astrophysicist. Rita Wilson has a small role. Much of the cast is billed under pseudonyms. The director's best known for creating TV shows like "Designing Women." A meteor crashes, a monster is created from a criminal that gets revenge before terrorizing the cast of youngsters and there's some intentionally silly stuff, such as calling the monster GeeGaGoo. It's mildly diverting fluff.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Danger Zone (1987)

How bad is it? Pretty bad babes and bikers flick.
Should you see it? Don't go out of your way.


"Where'd you learn how to do that?"
"I studied with a Zen master for 15 years. Then I snapped his neck."


That's the best line in the film.


Six girls in a band (with very 80's hair and clothes) get to do a TV show, so they drive across the desert to get there and the car breaks down at a biker hang-out, just as a drug deal was going down. The rest of the film is their trying to escape; there just happens to be an undercover cop, there just happens to be a hidden cache of weapons, there just happens to be a snake susceptible to hair spray. A guy gets burned in a sleeping bag, a girl gets run over, a guy gets whipped. The fight scenes are sometimes comical.

Monday, November 21, 2016

The Jerky Boys Movie (1995)

aka Jerky Boys: The Movie


How bad is it? Guys famous for doing one thing don't do that one thing.
Should you see it? Only to remember when caller ID wasn't popular.

I think I know that woman in the middle of the shot.
Okay: I thought the Jerky Boys weren't funny on their comedy albums, so I'm not the audience for this. The plot has two low-lifes pretend to be mobsters on the phone, so they get in trouble with both the mob and the police. The stars aren't actors and having a plot seems foreign to them. The film has some interesting people in the cast, mostly in cameos: Alan Arkin, Paul Bartel, William Hickey, Vincent Pastore, Ozzy Osborne, Tom Jones and the band Helmet. The story is full of holes and doesn't really go anywhere, but that seems immaterial for fans of the title stars.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

J.C. (1972)

How bad is it? It's one of the worse biker films, but not nearly the worst.
Should you see it? If you stumble across it, sure.


Brought up in a strict Baptist home, our hero rebels by becoming a biker. Then, high, he has a vision and becomes a sort of hippie messiah... but then the film just ignores that and it becomes a basic biker film. The redneck sheriff, played by Slim Pickens, arrests one of the guys pretty much for being black; the rest of the film is poor attempts to bust him out of jail. There's a scene where a girl's about to be raped, the guy repents and then - get this! - she sleeps with him. In the end, our hero, befitting his moniker of "J.C.," gets sacrificed. The image that sticks in your mind after watching this, though, is the star in his none too clean underwear.

I saw this really hoping it was the lost film "Him." It's not.