Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Locusts (2005)

aka Locusts: day of Destruction, aka Locusts: The 8th Plague


This is a strictly by-the-numbers insect attack film from the SyFy network, starring Lucy Lawless and with John Heard and Mike Farrell in support. A breed of locusts that grow and reproduce rapidly, eat anything - including people - and can't be killed by pesticides is developed and, of course, accidentally released. There's little tension, development or surprise.




Monday, April 23, 2018

Little Bigfoot (1997)







A family on vacation in the woods in Oregon discovers a baby Bigfoot and its mother as laughably evil loggers destroy their home (really - one of the bad guys even has a pirate eye patch). There's some terrible slapstick comedy for the tykes as well as a very thick environmentalist message. P.J. Soles, Kelly Packard, Don Stroud and Matt McCoy are in this, but the film focuses more on the children, played by non-actors. The Bigfoot costumes are cheap-looking, but this could be passable for younger viewers (perhaps I think this because I just watched a bigfoot porn film that I may get to reviewing). There was a sequel made almost simultaneously, but I haven't seen it.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Lift (1997)



There are a dozen films with the same name that came out about the same time and I kept hearing about this one, but kept getting copies of the Dutch film "The Lift" (from 1983) about a killer elevator - which, while not a great film, is worth seeing. This "Lift" is not worth seeing. Essentially plotless, the main character is a pizza delivery guy who believes aliens are coming, so he goes out in the desert to meet them. He's so naïve that he believes everything he's told as he encounters a bunch of weirdos. The best scene has his goth girlfriend making him wear an alien mask while they have sex. It's just random scenes.


Saturday, April 21, 2018

Lady Avenger (1988)


This is pretty typical girls with guns fodder that I picked up because Michelle Bauer is in it (supplying the nude scenes) and it was directed by David DeCoteau. A woman furloughed from prison to attend her brother's funeral takes the opportunity to get revenge for his killing. The lead actress looks wrong for the part and can't act. She also seems to be able to find things like a flame thrower lying around in suburbia. The villains are over-the-top and so are their deaths, but there's little else to recommend.



Friday, April 20, 2018

Kill Crazy (1990)


I haven't covered any David Heavener films before this, though he was in "Guns of El Chupacabra," which I did cover. He makes action films that rival David A. Prior's for inanity. In this one, soldiers with PTSD are released from a mental hospital to go into the wilderness, where they get preyed upon by a gang of sociopaths until Heavener's character goes full-on Rambo in retaliation (and the Rambo influences are very heavy in this). The cast is fun - two guys from "Welcome Back Cotter" (Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs and Robert Hegyes), Burt Ward from "Batman" (though he has no lines) and Danielle Brisebois from "Archie Bunker's Place" are in it, though they aren't the focus. This has some classic lines of dialogue, e.g. "If you want sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis." Our hero gets buried to his neck, but a dog digs him out... and then fetches water for him! Heavener not only wrote, directed, produced and stars, but he wrote and performs several songs, none of which help in any way. It's a bit light on action for this kind of film, but I enjoyed wasting time with it.


Thursday, April 19, 2018

Kick or Die (1987)

aka No Hard Feelings, aka The Expert

In this film, people with decided South African accents play Californians at a college where women are getting raped. A guy is brought in to teach the women self-defense, but if you're expecting a rape revenge film, it ends up with our hero fighting the bad guy in the end, with poor choreography. There's a love triangle and an unneeded subplot about an aspiring singer and our hero of course has a past. The dialogue is stilted, some of the line deliveries are even more stilted and there's a boom mike in a lot of the film (it looks like it was meant to be reformatted to then-TV dimensions, but wasn't, so it's probably not the cinematographer's fault). It's not exactly engrossing.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Kara Simsek (1985)

aka Turkish Rocky

This isn't so bad. Turkish remakes range from the bizarrely good (Wizard of Oz) to the terrible because of budget (Star Wars) and this falls squarely into the "okay" category. Sure, the music is stolen and sometimes inappropriate and the crowd shots are meager, but the story is solid and the acting doesn't detract much from that. The way the story is adapted to Turkish culture is even interesting. The same director made "Korkusuz" which is far worse.