Sunday, February 18, 2018

Crocodile Jones: The Son of Indiana Dundee (1990)

Um, this was in untranslated Tagalog, so I can't really review it. It's a satire of both "Crocodile Dundee" and "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" from the Philippines. It looked about Wayans Brothers level parody, but who knows if any of the jokes would work in English? The visual humor didn't work.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Creep (1995)

aka Tim Ritter's Creep

Hire a porn star wannabe with ridiculous 1980's breast implants, buy (probably rent) a video camera and film a script that tries for every offensive thing it can think of in the guise of a serial killer flick and you get this. There's grave robbing, incest, burning of a papier mache head, a subplot (!) about a female cop whose mother was killed by her father and a lot of dull mayhem. The acting is quite bad (the killer is better than the rest, fortunately) and the director prefers Dutch angles to coherence.

Friday, February 16, 2018

The Country Bears (2002)

Christopher Walken arm-farts the 1812 Overture... that's the highlight of this bizarre surreal children's film that parodies the "Behind the Music" format, which won't mean much to the small children the film is targeting. Queen Latifah, Don Henley, Wyclef Jean, Elton John, Willie Nelson, Bonnie Raitt, Brian Setzer, Don Was (of Was Not Was), Xzibit and John Hiatt perform as themselves - and yet the music is not good! Haley Joel Osment, Diedrich Bader, Brad Garrett and Stephen Root provide the voices of the bear band - in the world of the film, talking bears are a given - and Daryl "Chill" Mitchell and Alex Rocco have roles. The story is of a child that seeks out his favorite retired musicians, to reunite them for a benefit concert to save the music venue that launched them. It's so weird that it should be seen. The musical numbers are entertaining despite themselves.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Cobra vs. Ninja (1987)

aka Cobra Against Ninja

Usually with Godfrey Ho cut-and-paste ninja films, the best scene is at the end, but this one's at the start; it was odd enough to keep me watching. A guy "born a ninja" needs to challenge all other ninjas to show he's the best, so he produces his "ninja challenge card" (I thought he said "cod," which would make as much sense). The accents are all over the place, the plot is impossible to follow, there's a white guy afro worth the price of admission and there's the expected bizarre fight scenes. This is one of the worst of Ho's films, but an easy one to poke fun at.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Clash of the Ninjas (1989)

aka Clash Commando

Still another Godfrey Ho cut-and-splice two films into one job, this one's edits are better than usual; he may have got the original cast(s) to shoot new scenes. This is not "Fatal Needles vs Flying Fists," which is also called "Clash of the Ninjas." In this, the good guy tries to stop an evil corporation that is harvesting people's organs and smuggling them; of, course, it just happens that it's run by a bad ninja that has some personal connections to our hero. A girl in aerobics clothes throws a vinyl record at a ninja and a ninja throws a CD at another, yet there's not much music in the film. There is, however, some great dialogue, such as "Hello big boy - shaving your lovely beard?" and "I like to wrestle through my days." You know the red ninja is a good guy because he wears an American flag headband.  There's laser fingers, head spinning, exploding heads, and a good guy who turns into several people who get massacred and then reassemble. The film is a typical waste of time until the final 20 minute fight scene, which if nothing else, should be fast-forwarded to.

Monday, February 12, 2018

City Dragon (1995)

aka Warrior brother

Holy moly, this is the weirdest bad film of the 1990's. Made by "Philthy" Phil Phillips (his only film) and starring MC Kung Fu - I am not making that up - almost all of the dialogue in this film rhymes in true bad rap form. It starts out comically and then goes into territory of abortions and depression and then ends in a really bad martial arts set piece. I'm not sure why it looks like a 1980's VHS, but the lighting gives everything a weird glow and makes the truly awful clothing stand out even more. It's almost unendurable, yet I couldn't stop watching.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Chickboxer (1992)

Directed by David DecCoteau and produced by J.R. Bookwalter (who also has a small acting role), this obscurity is now available on DVD, though it still looks like it's on a VHS tape. One woman loves the TV show "Chickboxer" and wants to learn martial arts and her friend gets involved in some unrelated political story arc. Not much happens for most of the 60 minutes - we see shoes getting laced up for about 5 minutes - until the climactic fight scene involving people who don't know what they're doing. The dialogue is ridiculous and the acting typical for a cheap regional film. Then there's a tacked-on sex scene with Michelle Bauer, complete with visible boom mic and off-camera direction about how the guy's coin purse is visible. This is dementedly bad crap, but definitely one of the better films by the director and producer. I heard Linnea Quigley has a role in this, but I didn't see her.