Saturday, June 24, 2017

Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 2 (1987)

aka Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

How bad is it? Typical slasher sequel. Not good, but not terrible.
Should you see it? Maybe if you're doing a Xmas slasher marathon. There's a dozen.


It's no wonder that this film's had mixed reviews. The original film was controversial - they had to come out and say that it's not a "Santa is a psychopath" film, but rather a guy dressed as Santa is a psychopath. The whole first half of this film is flashbacks to the first film; if you haven't seen it, this tightens it up a bit, but if you have, you're shouting "Get on with it!" to the screen. In this film, the brother of the original film's star has been so traumatized that he's taken over the killing. Then it shows that he's killed eight people - in flashback! When the film finally starts, near the end, there's another 8 (I think) kills, with a pretty good eye pop and a decapitation. There's 22 kills shown in all, so the film just keeps throwing stuff on the screen and it doesn't get dull. It's just not all that good, either, lacking in plot and reason.

Friday, June 23, 2017

She (1984)

How bad is it? More weird than terrible, it's still not good.
Should you see it? Yes, but not because it's so-bad-it's-good.


I've skipped over reviewing this a few times because it doesn't quite fit the blog's premise. Like all Italian fantasy films of the 1980's, it has a "Road Warrior" feel to it, even though this is supposedly based on the H. Rider Haggard novel - it's not, by the way, except for being about a leader of Amazons. Sandahl Bergman stars (and takes a bath, for those who wonder if Sandahl's body is a focus of the film). There's elements of parody and black comedy with anachronisms (chainsaws?). There's psychopathic monks, mutants who clone themselves when they lose an arm, a guy who can levitate his enemies, a mad scientist, vampires and some silly dialogue. The plot, for what it's worth, is the retrieval of a kidnapped girl.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Sexual Malice (1994)

aka The Other Man

How bad is it? Low budget romance novel cum erotic thriller (pardon the pun)
Should you see it? Nah


This is one of those well-shot but empty films with roles for relatives of famous people (in this case, Edward Albert - son of Eddie - and Don Swayze - brother of Patrick). A beautiful and successful woman, unsatisfied with her sex life with her husband, has an affair with a male stripper. That, too, isn't great and she then has an affair with a woman. Then there's blackmail and murder and a friend who's coincidentally a cop. There's soft-core nudity, but little plot (the supposed twist ending you'll see coming) and stilted dialogue and acting. It's almost trashy enough to be a modern Harold Robbins story.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983)

How bad is it? Dull. It's not even the best Sybil Danning "Seven Samurai" remake!
Should you see it? Only if you're a huge fan of Danning or Lou Ferrigno.


This film started as a way to capitalize on "Conan the Barbarian," but using Lou Ferrigno as Hercules meant trying to get his "Incredible Hulk" TV audience, so all the violence and sex was removed from the script. What we're left with is Lou as a baby repeating the Moses in a basket on the Nile, Lou throwing a bear into the sky to make a constellation, Lou and a sword pulled from a stone as in Arthurian legend, Lou fighting with what looks like Star Wars light sabre... and two women wrestling. Everyone's dubbed, even if they speak English. The effects are all dated. The plot devolves into a "Seven Samurai" remake with Lou, Sybil Danning and five guys no one can remember.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Secret Agent Club (1996)

How bad is it? Poor kid's film.
Should you see it? No. If you're a huge Hulk Hogan, fan, though... still no.


Hulk Hogan plays a nerdy toy salesman who happens to be a secret superspy. He brings home a laser gun, claiming it to be a toy, but bad guys want it and Hulk gets kidnapped. It's up to his son and the son's friends to rescue him. Lesley-Anne Down is the villain. Richard Moll, Barry Bostwick, James Hong and Jack Nance have roles. It's a version of "True Lies" aimed at the kid market, but there's a lot of bad messages - such as blowing holes through people that you can see through is cool. It seems almost every shot has a camera reflection or shadow and there's one editing error in the climax that makes one wonder what happened.

Monday, June 12, 2017

Scream Dream (1989)

How bad is it? One of the worst rock band horror subgenre of the late 80's.
Should you see it? Nope.

Nothing symbolic here!

Melissa Moore, who's been in a lot of Jim Wynorski films, shows why she doesn't get many lines in his films - she can't deliver - in this film directed the same guy who did "Cannibal Hookers."[That latter film is so bad I'm not including it on this blog.] A woman in a rock band tends to kill fans, often by biting them during oral sex. She also turns into a monster with horns, fangs and claws. She also has a sort-of cat played by a hand puppet, which also kills. Typical shot-on-video lack of quality, with few surprises.

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Savage Instinct (1991)

aka They Call Me Macho Woman, aka Macho Woman, aka Edge of Fear

How bad is it? It's a very cheap, poorly-made and silly action film.
Should you see it? Yes, but don't expect too much.


This was given a great new title when re-released by Troma, but it's a fairly standard rape revenge film. A woman who's sort of a typical yuppie of the time runs afoul of a drug gang and spends most of the film escaping from them, until she turns - inexplicably - into a one woman army. Most of the plot exposition is in the first few minutes. The main bad guy wears a headband with a spike on it and he impales someone with it, but most of the kills are buy the woman and her extremely shiny hatchets and nails. One guy gets nails to the eyes, one gets decapitated. There's surprisingly little blood and gore and I can't remember any nudity. There's some priceless dialogue, as both our heroine and her attackers/victims spout one-liners, but many actors seem to have trouble with even one word responses.