Saturday, August 30, 2014

First series complete!

I've gone through the alphabet for bad movies and have reviewed 400 of them. I'm now going to take a deserved break. Here's 152 more I'm considering including:

Airport 1975
Alabama's Ghost (1973)
The Apple (1980)
Bad Biology (2008)
The Barbarians (1987)
Batman and Robin (1997)
Bats 1999
Beast of the Yellow Night (1971)
Behemoth (2011)
Ben 10: Race Against Time (2007)
Bigfoot (2012)
Bibleman (1996)
Black Dawn (2005)
Black Gestapo (1975)
Black Heat (1976)
Bloody Mallory (2002)
Body Rock (1984)
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)
Brazilian Star Wars (1978)
Bugs (2003)
Burial of the rats (1995)
C Me Dance (2009)
Captured (aka Agent Red) (2000)
Carnival of Blood (1970)
Catwoman (2004)
Cemetery Gates (2006)
Chainsaw sally (2004)
The Christmas Martian (1971)
Chriatmas Season massacre (2001)
Collision Course (1989)
Concorde: Airport 1979
Confessions of a Window Cleaner 91974)
Cool As Ice (1991)
Creating Rem Lezar (1989)
The Creeps (1997)
Crocodile 2: Death Swamp! (2002)
Cross of the Seven Jewels (1957)
The Curse of the Aztec Mummy (1957)
Curse of the Queerwolf (1988)
Daniel - Der Zauberer (2004)
The Day the Earth Stopped (2008)
The Dead Hate the Living (2000)
The Dead Next Door (1989)
Deadfall (1993)
Deadly Daphne's revenge (1987)
Deadly Prey (1987)
Deafula (1975)
Demonicus (2001)
Die hard Dracula (1998)
Dirty Love (2005)
Divine Emanuelle: Love Cult (aka Love Camp) (1981)
Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)
Dolla Morte (2006)
Don't Open Till Christmas (1984)
The Doorway (2000)
Double Dragon (1994)
Double Trouble (1992)
Double-D Avenger (2001)
Down Among the "Z" Men (1952)
Dragon Wars (aka D-War) (2007)
Dragonball Evolution (2004)
Dragonquest (2009)
Dungeons and dragons (2000)
Fantasy Mission Force (1983)
Fatal Deviation (1998)
The Final Sacrifice (1990)
Flash Gordon (2007)
Flight to hell (2003)
Foodfight! (2012)
The Forbidden Dance (1990)
Forbidden Flesh: As Seen from a Hayloft in the Hills (1966)
The FP (2012)
Frank McKlusky, C.I. 2002
Fugitive Rage (1996)
Future War (1997)
Ghost Chase (aka Hollywood Monster) (1987)
Ghosts Can't Do It (1989)
Gigli (2003)
Girls School Screamers (1986)
Glitter (2001)
Granny (1999)
Grease 2 (1982)
Grim (1995)
Grizzly II: The Predator (aka Grizzly 2: the Concert) (1987)
 Gunslinger (1956)
Half Past Dead 2002
The Halfway House (2004)
Harpies (2007)
The Haunting of Morella (1990)
Headmistress (1968)
Heartbeeps (1981)
Hercules and the Captive Women (1961)
Hercules in New York (1969)
Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
The Hillz (2004)
Homework (1992)
Horror House on Highway Five (1985)
The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)
Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf (1985)
House of the Living Dead (aka Curse of the Dead) (1974)
The Human Centipede (2009)
Hunting Creatures (2001)
I Am Here... Now (2009)
I Was a Teenage Strangler (2008)
If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (1974)
The Immoral Three (1975) HOW DID I MISS THIS?
Inbred Redneks (20010
The Incredible Adventures of Jakob the Guru (1983)
Incubus (2002)
International Guerrillas
Jack and Jill (2011)
 Jack Frost 2: revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)
Jailbait Babysitter (1977)
Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter (2001)
Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)
Kazaam (1996)
Killjoy (2000)
The Legend of the Titanic (1994)
The Magic Voyage (1992)
The Maize: The Movie (2004)
The Marine (2006)
Max Knight: Ultra Spy (2000)
Megiddo: Omega Code 2 (2001)
Metal Shifters (2011)
Morozko (1965)
Nazis at the Center of the Earth (2012)
Nick Fury, Agent of Shield
Ninja Terminator (1985)
Osombie (2012)
Overlords of the UFO (1976)
Paintball (2009)
Piranha 3-D
Pledge This! (2006)
Prom Night (2008)
The Pumaman (1980)
Quest for the Mighty Sword (aka Hobgoblin) (19990)
Robocop 3 (1993)
Robowar (1989)
Rockula (1990)
R.O.T.O.R. (1987)
Space marines (1996)
Spring Break Shark Attack (2005)
Street Fighter (1994)
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
Surf Ninjas (1993)
Swamp Shark (2011)
Teddy Bears' Picnic 2002
Theevan (2012)
Torque (2004)
Ultraviolet (2006)
Vice Girls (1997)
The Wicker Man (2006)
Xtro II: The Secret Encounter (1990)
Zombie Apocalypse (2010)
Zombie '90: Extreme Prejudice (aka Zombi 7) (1990)

So what did I miss?

 Added 9/15/2014

Alien private Eye 1987
Back from  Hell 2011
Badi 198The Bashful Elephant 1962
Beyond the Seventh Door 1987
Cannibal World 200The Chilling 1989
Commando Mengele 1987
Creature of Destruction 1967
D'Wild Wild West 1982
Daddy-O 1958
Danik, el Viajero del Tiempo 1996
Ghost Shark
Half Human 1958
Homoti 1987
House of the Dead 2003
Identity Crisis 1989
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
Magic Lizard 1985
Marci X 2003
Night Claws 2013
Octaman 1971
Quigley 2003
Road to revenge 1983
Simon Sez 1999
Son of the Mask 2005 
State property 2002
Sting of Death 196
Teenage Zombies 1957
Terror in Beverly Hills 1984
Theodore Rex 1995
Turkish Wizard of Oz 1971
Viking Women vs the Sea Serpent
Werewolf in a Women's Prison 2006 

added 9/22

Postal (2007); Santa with Muscles (1996); Dark Harvest 2:The Maize; Vampire Blvd.; Big Sister 2000; Rollergator; Search for the Beast; Hollywodd High, Part 2; Ben and Arthir (haven't I done that one?); Curse of Bigfoot; Da Hip Hop Witch; The Party at Kitty and Stud's; The Magic Christmas Tree; Curse of the Zodiac; Green River Killer; B.T.K. Killer; The Weird World of LSD; Ring of Terror; Ax 'Em 

Added 9/29

Birdemic 2, Vampire dog, 6 degrees of Hell, Blubberella, Xombies 3D, Acid Head: The Buzzard Nuts County Slaughter, Vixen Highway 2006: It Came from Uranus!, Santa Claus vs. the Zombies, Furry Vengeance, Vampires Suck, Tales of an Ancient Empire, Frankenpimp, Transylmania, An American Carol, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Meet the Spartans, The Scorpion King: Rise of a Warrior, Highlander: The Source, Epic Movie, Metamorphosis, The Wicker Man (2006), Spymate, The Crow: Wicked prayer, The Fog (2005), Boa vs. Python, Inspector Gadget 2, Chupacabra, Tail Sting, 2001: A Space Travesty, Soul Survivors, Voodoo Academy, Octopus, The Bare Wench Project, The All New Advenures of Laurel and Hardy in "For Love of Mummy", Men in White, Carnival of Souls (1998), Club Vampire, Justice League of America, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie, Mindbender, Lawnmower Man II, Forest Warrior, Pet Shop, The Mangler, Galaxis, Hologram Man, Prehysteria! 2, The Neverending Story 3, Project Shadowchaser 3, The Item (1999), The Gingerdead Man, Cave Dwellers (aka Blade Master, 1984), The Final Sacrifice 

Added 10/2

Hollywood Cop, American Commando Ninja, Andy and the Airwave Rangers, Geteven (Road to Revenge), She Wolves of the Wasteland (Phoenix the Warrior), The Lords of Magick, Gooby (A Ted Named Gooby), Bruce Lee vs. Gay Power (Kung Fu Contra as Bonecras) 

Zombie Nation (2004)

How bad is it? It's Ulli Lommel's worst film.
Should you see it? No.
No, they're not raccoons or goths, but zombies
A psychotic cop kills the women he arrests, they become zombies and then get revenge. Ulli Lommel has directed a number of turkeys, but this is his worst. I found it hard to sit through - the biggest laugh is the zombie make-up and the photo above shows that. There's an actor who cannot hide his German accent. The sets are minimalist at best. Some characters just show up and disappear. Camera crew and lights show up in reflections. Two cameras of very different quality were used and cutting between them is jarring. There are scenes where people act like people never do in real life. The ending is ludicrous. You do get to see a bald fat man get spanked - repeatedly.

Zero in and Scream (1971)

How bad is it? It's the worst film of grindhouse director Lee Frost.
Should you see it? No.

Lee Frost directed a number of sex and violence and sex-and-violence films, often under pseudonyms, such as he did in this film. The plot has a guy roaming the hills around Hollywood, killing people with his rifle when he sees them having sex. It's the sex that's the reason for this film existing. It's borderline hardcore even now. There are complete reels of sex, interspersed with reels of the killer. I now wish I hadn't deleted my review of Frost's "Black Gestapo," a much more interesting film.

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

How bad is it? It's an obvious (and desperate) attempt to be a cult film.
Should you see it? If the title sounds good, you'll get what you expect.

This is a sort of cross between "Showgirls" and "Return of the Living Dead" with even a reference or two to the plays of Ionescu! The government of the fourth term of George Bush (that's actually my favorite joke) creates a virus/chemical that infects a soldier that then infects an underground strip club in Nebraska, turning the girls into the titular Zombie Strippers. The attractive porn star Jenna Jameson stars along with Robert Englund. The intentional jokes are scattershot.

Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (1978)

aka Dracula's Dog

How bad is it? It's worse than you'd expect a vampire dog film to be.
Should  you see it? Yes. Between dull sections, there are some good scenes.

An accidentally resurrected vampire dog pulls the stake out of its master and then the two of them go to America in search of their master, the last in the line of Dracula; the descendant of Dracula doesn't know his true identity, of course. Jose Ferrer fights Michael Pataki, both in the story and for worst film credit. There are scenes of packs of dogs attacking a shack and a car, which are pretty good, but not enough to sustain the film or make you forget you're watching a vampire dog movie.

Zombie Lake (1981)

aka Zombies' Lake

How bad is it? It's the worst underwater Nazi zombie film (I've seen three).
Should you see it? I just barely give this a thumb's up.

The last Jess Franco film review! This Franco film has corpses of Nazi soldiers attack naked women swimmers. There's an interesting sub-plot of a zombie dad and his living daughter that somehow is endearing. There's a zombie fistfight. There's terrible dubbing. There's nude volleyball. There's jess Franco's patented zooming camera shots.

Zipperface (1992)

How bad is it? It's a dull police procedural.
Should you see it? A few unintentional laughs can be had, but not enough.

I think this film gets slammed in reviews because it looks like a slasher film, but isn't. The zipper-masked villain is not seen for much of the film and the story follows a young  female detective trying to solve the case. The acting is atrocious and the plot has several holes and improbabilities. The actual identity of the killer will surprise you however (it may also leave you shaking your head), so it has some merit!

Zombie! vs Mardi Gras (1999)

How bad is it? It looks like it took a whole weekend to shoot.
Should you see it? Yes. It's so weird it kinda works.

A zombie is brought back to life during the Mardi Gras celebration in New Orleans. He gets stalked by, among others, a fat ninja and Galileo (yes, the astronomer). There are Elvis impersonators and a lot of breasts - even for Mardi Gras. A guy on a date has to excuse himself due to farting and the camera follows him to the men's room, where you wonder just when they're going to stop shooting (they don't - it's actually funny). The best scene involves a random attack by a koala that has nothing to do with anything.

Zontar, the Thing from Venus (1966)

How bad is it? Numerous things associated with bad films have been named for this film.
Should you see it? 50 Million reviews can't be wrong. (Yes.)

This is the last mention of Larry Buchanan who's been on this blog a lot - Zontar is his remake of the film "It Conquered the World." John Agar fights a scientist who's ruled by a giant bat. There are mind control devices placed on people's necks. There's a laser gun that turns the film negative (such an obvious cheap effect, I'm surprised no one else has used it). It's endlessly silly.

Zombie Island Massacre (1984)

How bad is it? There's no zombies, for one thing. And no massacre.
Should you see it? Only if you remember who Rita Jenrette was.
Back when political sex scandals were still scandalous, a congressman and his wife had sex on the Capitol steps. After he left office, she decided to launch a singing and acting career and pose nude for Playboy. This film was part of that poor decision. At the start of the film, Jenrette has a shower scene and no one really would care. Later, she sings (reggae) and no one would care. She tries to act and... you get the idea. The movie's plot is about smuggling in the Caribbean and the best scene is an endless crying scene when the star's boyfriend gets beheaded.

Zandalee (1991)

How bad is it? It's trashiness is overwhelmed by its ickiness.
Should you see it? If you're making a Nick Cage bad movie festival.

This is an unintentional send-up of "9 1/2 Weeks" (or maybe "Wild Orchid") with Judge Reinhold, Nicholas Cage, Erika Anderson, Joe Pantoliano, Viveca Lindfors, Steve Buscemi and Aaron Neville (who mumbles incoherently). The whole plot: a woman has an affair with her husband's friend. There's naked fingerpainting. There's sex on top of a clothes dryer. Reinhold and Cage slow dance with each other. There's sex in a confessional. The best lines: "I can't be what you want me to be." "Yes you can. Roll over on your stomach."

Friday, August 29, 2014

The Young Warriors (1983)

How bad is it? It's technically sound, but otherwise awful.
Should you see it? Maybe for the cast.

A frat boy and his buddies go commando, taking on street thugs after the sister of the frat boy gets raped. It's manipulative, sleazy, there's ham acting, it's vigorously and aggressively violent. A dog gets gunned down. There's gratuitous nudity and sex. There's slo-mo shotgun blasts. It's all pretty pointless.The cast is interesting: Ernest Borgnine, Richard Roundtree, Lynda Day George, Dick Shawn and Linnea Quigley.

Yor, the Hunter from the Future (1983)

How bad is it? It's one of the worst barbarian crossed with sci-fi films (yes, there is more than one of those).
Should you see it? It falls apart, but watch the first half and see how it goes from there.

A blonde among brunettes seeks his own kind (sort of a male Clan of the Cave Bear), with a medallion around his neck to guide him. This caveman fights Neanderthals in an entertaining first half, but then discovers a post-nuclear control center run by an overlord. From there, it's robots, ray-guns and nuclear weapons and the caveman thing doesn't really work any more. There's dinosaurs, blue-faced ape men, fire worship, hang gliding from a pterodactyl, cavewomen in leather skirts and boots.

Xanadu (1980)

How bad is it? Depends on how much you like the music. Somewhat below average, I'd say.
Should you see it? I've already recommended Skatetown USA and Roller Boogie, so... yes.

Olivia Newton-John plays a Greek muse (Catastrophe, perhaps?) that comes to life and convinces a man to open a roller disco. Gene Kelly dances in a giant pinball machine. Sandahl Bergman has a role, as does Wilfrid Hyde-White's voice. There's even an animated sequence. The movie is essentially a 90 minute music video featuring songs from ON-J's post- "Grease" album.

Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy (1964)

How bad is it? This Mexican oddity loses something in translation.
Should you see it? Not the redubbed version. It makes a good companion to "Doctor of Doom."
That's actually not half bad!

A female mummy that can turn into a bat or a snake becomes a vampire when an incantation is recited. She joins Golden Ruby and Ruby's sister to fight a prince and his Oriental wrestlers (always nice to have a race war in the ring). There's a lot of fight sequences, some fun.

Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Ape (1963)

aka Doctor of Doom

How bad is it? It's the first and one of the better Mexican wrestling women movies.
Should you see it? It can't hurt (much). Avoid the "Rock n Roll Wrestling Women" redubbed version.

A mad doctor steals the brain of a female scientist and her sister goes after him with the aid of lady wrestlers. The doctor has created a super-strong ape man and a surgically created wrestling woman with a brain transplant. There's plenty of action and silliness.

Women's Prison Escape (1974)

aka Thunder County, aka Convict Women

How bad is it? The intersection of audiences it targets is the null set (hey, I know some math).
Should you see it? Sorry, no.

A women's prison film starring Mickey Rooney and Ted "Lurch" Cassidy, one of the worst height differentials possible. Four women escape from prison and enter a swamp, where they run across drug runners who are being chased by feds. Rooney plays a lecherous gas station attendant and Cassidy has a nasty sadism scene. It's hard to imagine how this film got made.

Where the Dead Go to Die (2012)

How bad is it? It's from the how-sick-can-we-be school of film making.
Should you see it? No.

A group of children are led through a journey of the mind and through other dimensions by a talking dog. It's depraved, it's sick, it's surreal and it's in very bad CGI. There's rape, pedophilia, murder and some stuff too gruesome to discuss -well, okay, a baby gets ripped out of its mother, the dog rapes the woman and the baby gets stuffed into a child's butt... and so on.

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (1998)

How bad is it? Not so terrible that there wasn't a Witchcraft XI... but it's still one of the lowest rated films of all time.
Should you see it? Maybe. Have a lot of drinks, watch it with others who like making fun of films.

Some film series continue just through sheer inertia and this is from one of those. The worst - by far - of the Witchcraft films,this has bisexual vampires from England releasing a Satanist from the police, causing them to be hunted by both the local cops (LAPD) and Interpol. The sound effects are not in synch - often off by more than a second! The police station looks like somebody's apartment, most of the cops don't have uniforms, one cop is miscast way too young and another is so fat his clothes don't fit (which may have had nothing to do with the film). There is a ton of nudity; that's why this was made and some of it is not terrible.

The Wizard of Mars (1965)

aka Horrors of the Red Planet

How bad is it? It's cheap, dull and stagy.
Should you see it? You can skip it.

I fell asleep watching this more than once, so I can't give a description of the film as a whole, except that it follows "The Wizard of Oz" to such an extent that they even follow a golden road. Four astronauts on Mars have a series of adventures. The wizard is played by John Carradine, seen only in projection because his arthritis was so bad he couldn't move much at the time. Time must be unfrozen in order for the astronauts to return home.

The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

aka She Was a Hippie Vampire

How bad is it? Hoo, boy... it's Jerry Warren's worst film (and he's made some real stinkers).
Should you see it? Sure.

This film got pulled from release because of the use of "Batwoman," got retitled, but was still hard to find for decades. An aging starlet in a catsuit with a rubber bat glued to it does battle with Dr. Neon and Ratfink (and, by the way, this film resembles "Rat Pfink and Boo Boo"). The bad guys are trying to steal a hearing aid that's also an atom bomb. There are laughter pills and Steve Brody makes an appearance. This tried to be in James Bond territory, but is hampered not just by its low budget, but poor script, acting and direction. As someone once pointed out, director Jerry Warren once cut away to a reaction shot from a zombie (in "Frankenstein Island"). The one thing the film does have is girls in bikinis and a nice 1960's feel. It's also so bad that you'll keep shaking your head in disbelief.

The Wild Women of Wongo (1958)

How bad is it? It may be the worst cavewoman movie.
Should you see it? Yes.

An island of beautiful women and ugly men (Wongo) is situated next to one of handsome men and ugly women (Goona). Everyone wears animal skins and they make sacrifices to a plastic crocodile. Ed Fury, who later played Hercules, is one of the men. This was filmed in a nudist colony in Florida, as were a number of films on this blog, but this one contains no nudity. There are some prints of this in vivid color and some are pretty washed out.

Wild Orchid 2: Two Shades of Blue (1991)

How bad is it? Well,it's based on a Zalman King novel, to begin with...
Should you see it? If you actually like the original film, maybe.

A girl sells her virginity to pay for her father's heroin (which kills him) and ends up in a brothel. There's sex in a shoeshine chair in a men's room. There's a party ruined by howling (not a dog). A porn film is made for a senator, and then it's off to the first day of high school! She hopes she won't be recognized, falls in love, gets taken to a brass bed in an empty field, refuses sex for the first time... and the boy does handstands to impress her. Really.

Wild Guitar (1962)

How bad is it? It's a musical starring a triple non-threat.
Should you see it? It's just barely funny enough to sit through.

Arch Hall Sr. decided to make his son a star, so he produced this film where Arch Jr. rides his motorcycle into town and gets told by a dancer about a TV talent show. Arch Sr. (under a pseudonym) plays the unscrupulous exec that decides to make a fortune off of him. Arch Jr. was not handsome - pug nose, for one thing - couldn't really sing or play guitar and couldn't act. This had a budget of $12000 and has director Ray Dennis Steckler in a small role (I think this is the last mention for him and for the Hall's). There's some good ice skating and a beach musical number.

The Wicked Lady (1983)

How bad is it? It's a loser from Winner.
Should you see it? Not unless you're that one guy that just has to see Marina Sirtis naked.

A poor remake of the 1945 classic, this film further solidifies Faye Dunaway as a ham actress after doing "Mommie Dearest." A woman marries, her sister sleeps with her husband, she gets bored and decides to rob people for thrills, joins in with the local highway robber and then people start to recognize her, causing people on both sides of the law to want to get her. There's a lot of nudity in the film, none essential to the action, but not enough to make it worth seeing.

White Wall (2010)

How bad is it? It's a post-apocalypse film that makes you long for the apocalypse.
Should you see it? No.

The last survivor from an internment camp for children works as a bounty hunter in a wasteland surrounded by a large white wall. There's some decent martial arts in this, but the acting is bad and it's extremely dull. The idea that in the world after the apocalypse people are still holding down jobs and keeping things in as good of order as possible is interesting enough to make a good film; this just isn't it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Where Time Began (1977)

aka Jules Verne's The Fabulous Journey to the Center of the Earth

How bad is it? It's hokey and campy and overly-familiar.
Should you see it? It's not quite good enough or bad enough to recommend.

This is a cheap version of The Land That Time Forgot, of a generation earlier, with an added love interest and, for some reason, a time-traveling scientist thrown in half-way through. The discovery of a manuscript causes people to try to recreate the voyage to the center of the earth described in the manuscript. The dialogue is unintentionally campy, but gets annoying. There are sea monsters that are just hand puppets. There are back-projected rubber dinosaurs, giant turtles and a big ape. It's a bit sluggish and episodic and the introduction of Olsen, the time-traveling scientist they meet, is confusing (though it does help to neatly wrap up the ending).

When Time Ran Out (1980)

How bad is it? It put the last nail in the coffin for disaster movies.
Should you see it? Yep.
The 1970's gave us The Poseidon Adventure, The Towering Inferno, Earthquake... ever greater threats, with ever bigger casts and ever smaller results. When Time Ran Out has both a volcano and a tidal wave. It was budgeted at $20 million, a thousand times higher than most films I review, and the cast starts great and trails off: Paul Newman, William Holden, Jacqueline Bissett, Ernest Borgnine, James Franciscus... Red Buttons, Burgess Meredith, Edward Albert... Veronica Hamel, Pat Morita... The best parts of this are the glass-bottomed elevator that goes into the volcano, a death by a falling tiki statue and a shaky wooden bridge over molten lava that seals the fate of the cast.

White Gorilla (1945)

How bad is it? It's worse than White Pongo (see previous post)
Should you see it? Yes. You'll undoubtedly end up  unintentionally seeing White Pongo first, though.

It is almost impossible to separate this film from White Pongo. Made the same year (though apparently released later), with Ray Crash Corrigan again playing a white gorilla - reusing the same suit, of course. This was directed by Harry L. Fraser and has Lorraine Miller in the cast. It also uses 20 year-old silent footage from "Perils of the Jungle" to pad the film. In this, a great white hunter goes after the white ape that's been threatening the natives. The ape's also been fighting the black gorillas, who don't accept him. Poor gorilla can't get a break. The film's of such poor quality that it's charming and there aren't a lot of slow stretches, having a short running time.

White Pongo (1945)

aka Blond Gorilla

How bad is it? It's one of the silliest jungle films of all time.
Should you see it? It's one of the silliest jungle films of all time. [Hey, 400 posts before I did that.]

Sam Newfield directed this; he directed a number of low budget atrocities (I covered Terror of Tiny Town already) and had made a gorilla film, Nabonga, the previous year, which also had Ray Crash Corrigan as the ape. In this one, a policeman goes under cover to join British biologists who are searching for the missing link. What they find is a giant white gorilla that wants to mate with Maris Wrixon... which, would, I guess, prove their assertion. This film is universally applauded as a great-terrible jungle film.

White Comanche (1968)

How bad is it? Well, it's a Spanish western with William Shatner in a dual role. Bad enough.
Should you see it? Don't go out of your way, but if it's easily available, give it a try.

While "Star Trek" was on hiatus, William Shatner went to Spain to star in a western, perhaps hoping to do what Eastwood was doing in Italy, but more likely just trying to get a paycheck. He plays twins, half-breed Native American, distinguishable only by the color of their contact lenses, er... eyes. One of the brothers believes he is the one to lead the Indians to victory over the White Men, partly due to the amount of peyote he takes - drug references were "hip" in 1968. The other brother lives as an outcast among the townspeople, who gets called on by sheriff Joseph Cotton to fight his brother. So... conflict among the natives, conflict among the settlers, conflict among the brothers. Of course, they do the old Prince/Pauper switcheroo. There's an odd jazz-influenced score, there's anachronisms (telephone poles, for example) and there's some mighty fine shooting, as every bullet goes right between the eyes.

When Women Had Tails (1970)

How bad is it? I think it's at least mediocre. Others are less generous.
Should you see it? Yes. It's one of the best cavewoman movies.

I loved this movie. Senta Berger plays a cavewoman discoverd by seven horny cavemen, who then play out the stroyline of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves... up to a point. Senta wags her tail when she gets excited. The sets look like 1960's television quality, but the film has a good look, with excellent lighting - which is a rarity on this blog - and good camerawork. Lina Wertmuller actually worked on the script and the humor, broad as it often is, works more often than not, which almost never happens with Italian films. Ennio Morricone did the music. The sequel, When Women Lost Their Tails, I thought was flat, but others think it a better film because it strives for more satiric humor.

What's Up Front (1964)

aka The Fall Guy

How bad is it? It's a sexploitation film with no nudity.
Should you see it? Yes, if only for the film's pedigree.

This is the story of the world's best door-to-door bra salesman. [Let that sink in.] His success causes his rival to use him to win the boss's daughter's hand in marriage. This was made by Arch Hall, Sr. (who appears in the film as William Watters), who decided to start his own film company but before he started promoting his son in his films. The cinematography was by the great Vilmos Zsigmond, who made a number of terrible films look pretty good. The story has such smut potential that it's fun to watch to see just how little prurience actually makes it onto screen.

Werewolf (1995)

How bad is it? It's possibly the worst werewolf movie (and I liked Werewolves on Wheels).
Should you see it? Yes. The MST3K version is probably a good bet, though I haven't seen it.

Archaeologists in Mexico discover the bones of a werewolf. Whenever someone gets cut on the bones, they become a werewolf. This is extremely sloppy and appears to have been filmed over a long period, as one character's hairstyle keeps changing. Another character just disappears part-way through the film, without explanation. In the climactic fight scene, there's never a two-shot: you never see both characters on screen at the same time, so they must've been filmed separately and then edited together. There's a transformation scene that takes so long that I felt my own hair growing. One of the major problems (besides the script and acting) is that at least one character appears to reciting their lines phonetically and doesn't know what their character is supposed to be doing.

Monday, August 25, 2014

The Werewolf of Woodstock (1972)

How bad is it? I remember think it was bad when I saw it as a child.
Should you see it? If you can find it, which won't be easy.

Shown once in (I think) 1974 on television as part of "The World of Mystery." This was produced by Dick Clark and starred Tige Andrews of "The Mod Squad" as a farmer who gets struck by lightning and becomes a werewolf that drinks beer and hates the hippies who congregate at the abandoned stage at Woodstock. I saw this, but it's been 40 years, so it's hard to remember details.

The Werewolf of Washington (1973)

How bad is it? It fails as both horror and satire.
Should you see it? It's weird, but it's too dull for me to say yes.

Made roughly at the same time as the Watergate scandal, this political satire has had too much read into it by some. The president's press secretary, played by Dean Stockwell, becomes a werewolf and at one point bites the president. Meanwhile, Michael Dunn plays a doctor with a secret lab to make monsters in the White House. The best joke may be the confusion of "pentagram" for "Pentagon."

The Wasp Woman (1959)

How bad is it? A pretty good plot is ruined by poor effects.
Should you see it? Yes.

Directed and produced by Roger Corman, this has the head of a cosmetics firm using wasp enzymes to rejuvenate, but it also turns her into a bug monster. This was remade at least three times, as "Evil Spawn," as "Rejuvenator" and under the same title in 2012 by Jim Wynorski (who directs a lot of trash). One interesting side story about this film is that actress Susan Cabot's son in real life was given injections of growth hormone to treat dwarfism, but they resulted in serious side effects; this has a minor parallel to the plot of the film.

The Warrior Queen (1987)

How bad is it? This might be Sybil Danning's worst film, which is a feat in itself.
Should you see it? No.

The emperor's mistress fights to have a girl released from a brothel, or at least moved to a better one. Then Pompeii gets destroyed among nude scenes. Donald Pleasance and samantha Fox make the least of their screen time.

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

How bad is it? One actress is topless throughout the entire film, just to keep men watching.
Should you see it? It's enjoyable enough.

David Carradine stars in this Conan the Barbarian-influenced version of "Yojimbo." There's a battle for a water well and carradine plays both sides against each other. There's a four breasted assassin. There's a telepathic green lizard. There's an octopus monster.

WarCat (1987)

aka Angel of Vengeance

How bad is it? It took two of the worst directors to make it.
Should you see it? It's not required.
Advertising a 20 year-old film.

This is interesting as a curio. Ray Dennis Steckler, who's all over this blog, was removed from directing this film and replaced with Ted V. Mikels, who's also all over this blog, which makes sense, as both were living in Las Vegas. Mikels threw out everything of Steckler's he could, while salvaging footage, to make his own film. A female writer, the daughter of a green beret, gets kidnapped in a desert where cyclists battle survivalists. Two random psychos also show up, for inadequately explored reasons. The girl is given a chance, in standard Most Dangerous Game fashion.

War of the Colossal Beast (1958)

How bad is it? It's a cheap sequel to a cheap knockoff of a cheap trash film.
Should you see it? Yup.

Still another Bert I. Gordon film about giant people (or giant animals), this is a sequel to The Amazing Colossal Man, which was based on Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman. Apparently, the monster didn't die, but he's lost half of his face. He gets caught, put in an airplane hangar and escapes to Mexico where he throws trucks and buses around. His sister makes him feel guilty and he commits suicide by grabbing high-voltage electrical lines. This contains the original color ending to the first film.

Warrior of the Lost World (1983)

How bad is it? It's the worst Robert Ginty film (don't worry if the name doesn't register).
Should you see it? Yes. It starts to drag, but it starts well.

Robert Ginty starred in a bunch of low budget films in the 1980's, which almost no one saw (for good reason) and which never developed a following. This one is squarely Mad Max territory, with lots of action. After radiation wars, a guy on a motorcycle rides through the wasteland after the radiation wars - it looks pretty suburban, for the most part. His cycle's computer gives him messages like "Dorks" and "Bad Mothers." He gets chased and crashes into a wall which is really just an illusion and he gets medical help. Persis Khambatta leads him through an industrial complex to rescue her father and we get to see a VERY slow S&M-based dance sequence. Ginty and Dad escape in a helicopter, leaving Khambatta behind. Then Ginty meets up with outcasts, where they stage fights - and they're stagy - and teams up with them to rescue the girl.


Over 400 posts done, 120 to go and up to 4 regular readers.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966)

How bad is it? It's a cavewoman, science fiction film with John Agar. Nuff said.
Should you see it? Sure.

John Agar and Wendell Corey are astronauts who land on a planet of cave people and stock footage giant lizards and a giant spider. There's a "surprise" ending I don't feel bad about spoiling - they name the planet "Earth." Also in the cast are Stuart Margolin, Lyle Waggoner and Merry Andrews, who is the sole woman and not from the prehistoric planet.

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968)

How bad is it? It's the meeting point of bad science fiction and bad cavewomen movies.
Should you see it? Yes.

This film, just like "Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet," uses footage from "Planeta Burg" and was produced by Roger Corman. This was directed by Peter Bogdanovich snd has Mamie Van Doren in the cast. Stranded astronauts land on a planet of women in clam shell bikinis who have psychic powers and worship a pterodactyl puppet. It's about as bad (and as good) as that sounds. Amazingly, the astronauts never meet the women! Apparently, their scenes were shot at very different times and spliced together.

Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet (1965)

How bad is it? It's low of budget, but not terrible.
Should you see it? Yes.
Curtis harrington directed some interesting cheap science fiction, including this film with Basil Rathbone and Faith Domergue. This was produced by Roger Corman, who cut the budget dramatically by using footage from the soviet film "Planeta Burg" ("Planet of Storms"). Astronauts land on a planet that they explore with a hovercar and robot and where they find artifacts that suggest a past civilization existed that had people who looked like us... and, while fighting giant lizards and mechanical problems, they wonder if the civilization might still exist. The film has a real cheapness to it, but it's well-written and, except for some dull stretches, interesting.

Vegas in Space (1991)

How bad is it? It's like a really bad drag show.
Should you see it? Not unless you're a huge fan of drag.

There are some really good drag films ("Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" being the best), but this one is not one of them. The plot has two men sent to a female only planet and to disguise them, they take a pill that changes gender. the whole joke is that every character that's supposed to be female is played by a drag queen. [Technically, that's not quite true, as there's at least one post-op transgender actress.] Vegas in Space is the name of the capital city of the planet Clitoris (yep, it's just that clever), where most crimes are crimes of fashion. What's supposed to be humorous I found annoying.

Vamps: Deadly Dreamgirls (1995)

aka Vamps

How bad is it? It's lowest common denominator sexploitation horror.
Should you see it? If you're into strippers and vampires, maybe.
A priest who visits strip clubs and collects pornography tries to keep a young woman from joining the vampires that run a local strip club. There's some adequate stripping, but the film is just enough plot to string together topless scenes (of which there are plenty). Aimed squarely at immature males, it has some fans, mostly those who think "Porky's" is high art.

Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1984)

How bad is it? This sat on a shelf for years - and should've stayed there.
Should you see it? As intriguing as it sounds, no.

This is a satire/farce about alien rock stars in a music competition. Pia Zadora sings a duet with Jermaine Jackson and both Ruth Gordon and Michael Berryman have roles, so a lot of people were looking forward to this. The jokes fall flat, but the music's okay if you're a fan of the '80's and the production values and acting are poor. The special effects are abysmal, given the budget. If you're looking for cheese and you're really desperate, you might want to see it - but you've been warned.

Viva Knievel! (1977)

How bad is it? The lead is unconvincing as himself.
Should you see it? Yes, as a time capsule and for the cast.

Evel Knievel plays himself (George Hamilton played him in a biopic), except that he's now involved in a Hollywood plot. His thrill show is touring Mexico, where criminals plan to sabotage one of his motorcycle jumps, so they can use his coffin to smuggle cocaine. There's some good unintentional laughs. The rest of the cast: Gene Kelly, Lauren Hutton, Red Buttons, Dabney Coleman, Cameron Mitchell and Marjoe Gortner. If that cast intrigues you, you'll like this film.

The Violent Years (1956)

aka Female

How bad is it? It was written by Ed Wood, Jr. - so it's not good.
Should you see it? Yes.

I absolutely loved this film the first time I saw it and then I saw it with a group of friends who weren't into bad films and it became excruciating. Four teen girls hold up gas statons, molest men, have a pajama party (!), get hired by communists (!!), trash their high school and shoot a cop. One girl's response to everything: "So what?" is heard repeatedly. There's a very long speech by a judge in a very small sparse courtroom that is full of the typical Ed Wood rambling circuitous bizarre moralizing. To end the story, one girl dies in prison while giving birth.

Village of the Giants (1965)

How bad is it? It's probably director Gordon's most entertaining film.
Should you see it? Yes, if only to see the cast as teenagers.

Bert I. Gordon shows up a lot on this blog; this film is supposedly based on the book "Food of the Gods," which he used as a title for a later film already reviewed here. Tommy Kirk, Johnny Crawford, Beau Bridges and Ron Howard, all who became famous as children on TV, have major roles. There's music by the Beau Brummels, mudwrestling, an ad for "War of the Colossal Beast" (to be reviewed soon), go-go dancing, giant dancing ducks and boys climbing on the breasts of giant women. Howard plays a boy genius (named "Genius") who creates a goo (called "goo") that causes growth; teens ingest it and decide to rebel against adult authority... in the mildest ways imaginable.