Should you see it? No.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds."
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Playmate of the Apes (2002)
How bad is it? It's one of the worst films Cinemax ever aired, which is saying something.
Should you see it? No.
"Planet of the Apes" with a Playboy Playmate! Get it?! That's the whole film. There's endless lesbian scenes (both endless as in innumerable and as in interminable) and makeup effects that you could do yourself. There's a rap number (by white girls in 2002). There's a dance sequence. There's a gay gorilla that just happens to be pink. There's not a single joke that works.
Should you see it? No.
Plankton (1994)
aka Creatures from the Abyss
How bad is it? It's pretty bad.
Should you see it? It has a fervent cult following, but I still say no.
Three stereotypical teen couples on the beach discover an abandoned research vessel, go on board and eat radioactive mutated fish, causing monsters to be formed (including one woman giving birth to a sort of fish-spawn egg mass). Two of the gross-out scenes are stolen directly from "Evil Dead II" (one of my favorite trash films). You'll want the cast to get killed and all but one are dispatched. Perhaps I was just not in the mood for this, because there are a lot of people who claim that this is a masterpiece of junk.
How bad is it? It's pretty bad.
Should you see it? It has a fervent cult following, but I still say no.
Three stereotypical teen couples on the beach discover an abandoned research vessel, go on board and eat radioactive mutated fish, causing monsters to be formed (including one woman giving birth to a sort of fish-spawn egg mass). Two of the gross-out scenes are stolen directly from "Evil Dead II" (one of my favorite trash films). You'll want the cast to get killed and all but one are dispatched. Perhaps I was just not in the mood for this, because there are a lot of people who claim that this is a masterpiece of junk.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Prehistoric Women (1967)
How bad is it? It's by far the best cavewoman movie I'll review here.
Should you see it? Yes.
I'm including this so one can distinguish it from the 1950 film of the same title. Using sets from "One Million B.C.," this has Martine Beswick returning, this time as a cruel queen of a brunette tribe that enslaves rhino-worshipping blondes. A male hunter comes upon them, gets rescued from rhinos, falls in love with a slave, but the queen also wants him. This has a cult following: it has decent production values, good if somewhat stylized acting and a lot of pretty women in skimpy outfits. The plot has a ton of holes and they worship a rather embarrassingly phallic totem, but the quality is definitely better than in most cavewomen movies. It's no Raquel Welch and One Million B.C., but it's not a bad imitation.
Should you see it? Yes.
I'm including this so one can distinguish it from the 1950 film of the same title. Using sets from "One Million B.C.," this has Martine Beswick returning, this time as a cruel queen of a brunette tribe that enslaves rhino-worshipping blondes. A male hunter comes upon them, gets rescued from rhinos, falls in love with a slave, but the queen also wants him. This has a cult following: it has decent production values, good if somewhat stylized acting and a lot of pretty women in skimpy outfits. The plot has a ton of holes and they worship a rather embarrassingly phallic totem, but the quality is definitely better than in most cavewomen movies. It's no Raquel Welch and One Million B.C., but it's not a bad imitation.
Prehistoric Women (1950)
How bad is it? It's almost unwatchable - and I like cavewomen movies.
Should you see it? Only if you're desperate.
This film is done mostly in voice-over narration, trying to give it a documentary feel. Girls in animal skins and lipstick kill a dragon-like monster and then get carried off by a giant hairy bully. A couple share some romantic moments, the narrator prattles on about the dawn of civilization, one guy learns to cook with fire and the viewer battles tedium. I saw this in black and white, but I've seen very muddy color copies of it and am not sure if they were degraded or poor colorization.
Should you see it? Only if you're desperate.
This film is done mostly in voice-over narration, trying to give it a documentary feel. Girls in animal skins and lipstick kill a dragon-like monster and then get carried off by a giant hairy bully. A couple share some romantic moments, the narrator prattles on about the dawn of civilization, one guy learns to cook with fire and the viewer battles tedium. I saw this in black and white, but I've seen very muddy color copies of it and am not sure if they were degraded or poor colorization.
Pin-Down Girls (1951)
aka Racket Girls
How bad is it? I think it has the lowest IMDB rating of any film I've seen.
Should you see it? No. The MST3K version might be better than the film itself.
This is the second of three films with Timothy Farrell portraying underworld racketeer Scali (I covered "Dance Hall Racket" earlier). This has endless footage of women wrestlers Rita Martinez and Clara Mortenson and footage of buxom Peaches Page and other women stretching and getting rub-downs. The plot has Scali testifying in court (a court the size of a closet) against a rival and then he pays the price, getting killed - though he was alive again in the sequel. It's too dull to be enjoyable.
How bad is it? I think it has the lowest IMDB rating of any film I've seen.
Should you see it? No. The MST3K version might be better than the film itself.
This is the second of three films with Timothy Farrell portraying underworld racketeer Scali (I covered "Dance Hall Racket" earlier). This has endless footage of women wrestlers Rita Martinez and Clara Mortenson and footage of buxom Peaches Page and other women stretching and getting rub-downs. The plot has Scali testifying in court (a court the size of a closet) against a rival and then he pays the price, getting killed - though he was alive again in the sequel. It's too dull to be enjoyable.
Picasso Trigger (1988)
How bad is it? It's a minor breasts and explosions film.
Should you see it? If you're a fan of Andy Sidaris' films.
The third in Andy Sidaris' films about female undercover agents, this sequel to "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" (reviewed earlier) is a less-interesting film, but still enjoyable. The title refers to an exotic breed of fish and is the codename for an assassin, who causes Rowdy Abilene (now played, seriously, by Steve Bond - but he still can't shoot straight) and agents Donna and Taryn to literally go ballistic in stopping him. There are seven Playboy Playmates in the cast, probably a record, and all go topless at some point; he film is a master class in how to add topless scenes to a film. The deliveries of supposedly funny lines are done so poorly as to be in themselves funny. Some of this was shot in Paris, in Texas and Las Vegas, as well as Hawaii and it has speedboats, go-go dancers, shower scenes and even an exploding boomerang - in other words, an Andy Sidaris film.
Should you see it? If you're a fan of Andy Sidaris' films.
The third in Andy Sidaris' films about female undercover agents, this sequel to "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" (reviewed earlier) is a less-interesting film, but still enjoyable. The title refers to an exotic breed of fish and is the codename for an assassin, who causes Rowdy Abilene (now played, seriously, by Steve Bond - but he still can't shoot straight) and agents Donna and Taryn to literally go ballistic in stopping him. There are seven Playboy Playmates in the cast, probably a record, and all go topless at some point; he film is a master class in how to add topless scenes to a film. The deliveries of supposedly funny lines are done so poorly as to be in themselves funny. Some of this was shot in Paris, in Texas and Las Vegas, as well as Hawaii and it has speedboats, go-go dancers, shower scenes and even an exploding boomerang - in other words, an Andy Sidaris film.
Phantom Planet (1961)
How bad is it? Terrible special effects and pure 1950's hokey sci-fi plot.
Should you see it? Definitely.
If you tried to imagine a low budget 1950's science fiction film, you'd come up with something very much like this film. It's a variation of Gulliver's Travels, an astronaut lands on a planet of tiny people and is shrunk so he can help them fight an attack by another alien race, the Solarites, which are among the most ridiculous monsters imaginable. The head Solarite is played by Richard Kiel, but other than his size, you'd never know who it was. An elderly Francis X. Bushman and Coleen Gray also star. There's an invisible force field, a mute girl who regains her speech when it's convenient to the plot and some of the worst rocket ship special effects foisted on an audience. Other than being slow in pace, this is a fun film to watch.
Should you see it? Definitely.
If you tried to imagine a low budget 1950's science fiction film, you'd come up with something very much like this film. It's a variation of Gulliver's Travels, an astronaut lands on a planet of tiny people and is shrunk so he can help them fight an attack by another alien race, the Solarites, which are among the most ridiculous monsters imaginable. The head Solarite is played by Richard Kiel, but other than his size, you'd never know who it was. An elderly Francis X. Bushman and Coleen Gray also star. There's an invisible force field, a mute girl who regains her speech when it's convenient to the plot and some of the worst rocket ship special effects foisted on an audience. Other than being slow in pace, this is a fun film to watch.
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