This concludes my survey of terrible films. The process was much like trying to find gravy in a cesspool, but I did actually find some enjoyable trash. Of course, there's no end to bad films and there's a lot I didn't cover, some of which I regret missing.
There's a few films that kept getting cut from my list: "The Car," "The Day the Clown Cried," "The Betsy," "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," "Ghost in the Noonday Sun." The WW II era "Black Dragons," "First Yank Into Tokyo" and (somewhat later) "Red Nightmare" could've been listed, as well as some serials like "Queen of the Jungle" and "Phantom Empire." The high school hooker trilogy of "Angel" films and the Cheri Caffaro "Ginger" films deserve mention, as do films based on novels by Harold Robbins or Jackie Collins. I skipped a lot of poverty row - mostly Monogram and PRC - films, such as "The Ape Man" and "The Brute Man" because they're just too good.
I intentionally skipped hardcore porn, Italian gore after 1970, Japanese gore after 1980, instructional films and cinema verite' and yet I veered very close to some of those.
In many cases, I let one film represent an entire oeuvre of a director. The site is searchable and, if your favorite film isn't listed, try searching the director's name. Directors that I wish I had covered:
Albert Pyun
Victor Adamson (his son Al's all over the blog)
George and Mike Kuchar
Irving Klaw
Joseph P. Mawra
Michael and Roberta Findlay (one film made the blog)
Kroger Babb
J. R. Bookwalter
Joe D'Amato
S.F. Brownrigg
Tim Kincaid
Don Glut (I want to see "Dragstrip Dracula")
Zalman King
Perhaps I'll return to finish off those omissions, but for now, I need to do something else.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds."
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Vengeance of the Zombies (1973)
How bad is it? It's filmed well, not uninteresting and has Paul Naschy.
Should you see it? Yes, but not because it's terrible, but because it has a little of everything.
Paul Naschy wrote and starred in a ton of Spanish films, most involving werewolves. In this one, a mystic raises women from the dead to commit revenge killings. The cinematography's good, the costumes are good, some effects are good... so why does anyone call this a bad movie? Well, there is some overacting, a chicken gets its head cut off (and later a guy has his throat slit), the background music doesn't fit, there's a horned Satan drinking blood from a golden cup, evil twins, grave robbing, voodoo dolls, a scene in a slaughterhouse and one or two plot problems. I think it's actually one of the more enjoyable Naschy vehicles; I mean, compared to, say, "Dracula vs. Frankenstein."
Should you see it? Yes, but not because it's terrible, but because it has a little of everything.
Paul Naschy wrote and starred in a ton of Spanish films, most involving werewolves. In this one, a mystic raises women from the dead to commit revenge killings. The cinematography's good, the costumes are good, some effects are good... so why does anyone call this a bad movie? Well, there is some overacting, a chicken gets its head cut off (and later a guy has his throat slit), the background music doesn't fit, there's a horned Satan drinking blood from a golden cup, evil twins, grave robbing, voodoo dolls, a scene in a slaughterhouse and one or two plot problems. I think it's actually one of the more enjoyable Naschy vehicles; I mean, compared to, say, "Dracula vs. Frankenstein."
Velvet Smooth (1976)
How bad is it? It's almost a female "Dolemite."
Should you see it? If you love bad blaxploitation, this one has its moments.
A female detective is hired by a mobster to find out who is stealing his action. She ends up kicking a lot of ass. This has all the hideous clothes and slum exteriors you'd expect, plus interiors where you can see the boom mike and the walls move when a door shuts. Each scene looks like it was done entirely from one perspective, often from a weird angle with things obstructing views. The fights are terrible, with blows missing by almost a foot. The theme song's a hoot, there's a twist ending and Rory Calhoun makes an appearance.
Should you see it? If you love bad blaxploitation, this one has its moments.
Vampire Woman (1996)
How bad is it? It's a home movie and not a good one. And it's interminable.
Should you see it? Nononononononononononononono.
The few people who read this blog probably know more about David "Rock" Nelson than I do. Rocky's films are made on camcorders (from the 1980's), usually unscripted, using friends and neighbors as cast and rarely if ever edited. He often talks over the dialogue while he shoots, not narrating, not giving direction, just rambling. When a scene is blown, he doesn't reshoot and he often keeps filming, so you get people stepping out of character to comment on something not working.
When looking for one of his films to review, I was told "Vampire Woman" was his "magnum opus" (it is over four hours long) and the one to see because "it has a plot." I'm not sure what that plot was. The film took years to make, but that didn't lead to additional continuity errors, because there is no continuity. Nelson's films are only legally available sold directly by him, but when I poked around for this, someone sent me PayPal account info and a URL and a time - my introduction to the "dark web" and a more interesting event than the film itself.
Should you see it? Nononononononononononononono.
The few people who read this blog probably know more about David "Rock" Nelson than I do. Rocky's films are made on camcorders (from the 1980's), usually unscripted, using friends and neighbors as cast and rarely if ever edited. He often talks over the dialogue while he shoots, not narrating, not giving direction, just rambling. When a scene is blown, he doesn't reshoot and he often keeps filming, so you get people stepping out of character to comment on something not working.
When looking for one of his films to review, I was told "Vampire Woman" was his "magnum opus" (it is over four hours long) and the one to see because "it has a plot." I'm not sure what that plot was. The film took years to make, but that didn't lead to additional continuity errors, because there is no continuity. Nelson's films are only legally available sold directly by him, but when I poked around for this, someone sent me PayPal account info and a URL and a time - my introduction to the "dark web" and a more interesting event than the film itself.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Vampire Killer Barbys (1996)
How bad is it? It's a typical Jess Franco film, which is never a good thing.
Should you see it? Don't go out of your way, but yes, if it's at hand and you're bored.
The Killer Barbies were an actual band in real life and this film was meant to bring them greater notice (It didn't work. "Killer Barbys vs Dracula," a sequel, didn't help). A band gets stuck where there's a countess who stays young with a method that involves killing young people. There's plenty of gore and nudity, dwarves, cannibals, dummies used as dead bodies, unsuccessful day-for-night shots, no continuity and the film doesn't really go anywhere. Director Jesus Franco proves he can make films exactly the same in the 1990's as he did in the 1960's. Still, it's a much better title than usual and it's not unwatchable.
Should you see it? Don't go out of your way, but yes, if it's at hand and you're bored.
The Killer Barbies were an actual band in real life and this film was meant to bring them greater notice (It didn't work. "Killer Barbys vs Dracula," a sequel, didn't help). A band gets stuck where there's a countess who stays young with a method that involves killing young people. There's plenty of gore and nudity, dwarves, cannibals, dummies used as dead bodies, unsuccessful day-for-night shots, no continuity and the film doesn't really go anywhere. Director Jesus Franco proves he can make films exactly the same in the 1990's as he did in the 1960's. Still, it's a much better title than usual and it's not unwatchable.
The Urge to Kill (1989)
aka Attack of the Killer Computers
How bad is it? It's cheesiness is legendary.
Should you see it? Yes, if you can find it.
A record producer's house is run by a computer called S.E.X.Y. When women arrive there, the computer becomes jealous of them, for reasons never explained, and kills them. One woman is scalded in the shower until she can sluice down the drain (never mind the impossibility). Another, under a tanning lamp, has her breasts explode. The computer calls dominatrix escorts to come entertain our hero and they wrestle while making cat noises (an actual cat fight). There's a mudbath, attacking computer with an ax and a naked woman painted green. There's nothing resembling acting and some remarkably bad dialogue. It's just so wrong-headed that it becomes enjoyable.
How bad is it? It's cheesiness is legendary.
Should you see it? Yes, if you can find it.
A record producer's house is run by a computer called S.E.X.Y. When women arrive there, the computer becomes jealous of them, for reasons never explained, and kills them. One woman is scalded in the shower until she can sluice down the drain (never mind the impossibility). Another, under a tanning lamp, has her breasts explode. The computer calls dominatrix escorts to come entertain our hero and they wrestle while making cat noises (an actual cat fight). There's a mudbath, attacking computer with an ax and a naked woman painted green. There's nothing resembling acting and some remarkably bad dialogue. It's just so wrong-headed that it becomes enjoyable.
Trash Humpers (2009)
How bad is it? It's about people who literally hump trash. It's intentionally awful.
Should you see it? Tough call. It might be art, but I don't think you need to see it.
From the director that gave us "Gummo" and "Julien Donkey-Boy" comes his most regressive film yet. Filmed on cheap tape, actors pretending to be elderly (in very unconvincing make-up) but not succeeding appear in random scenes involving trash, toys and occasional nudity and profanity. It's a bit like David Lynch making "Blair Witch Project." It's a waste of time, but it is different.
Should you see it? Tough call. It might be art, but I don't think you need to see it.
From the director that gave us "Gummo" and "Julien Donkey-Boy" comes his most regressive film yet. Filmed on cheap tape, actors pretending to be elderly (in very unconvincing make-up) but not succeeding appear in random scenes involving trash, toys and occasional nudity and profanity. It's a bit like David Lynch making "Blair Witch Project." It's a waste of time, but it is different.
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