The Brain Eaters (1958)

How bad is it? It's a good film with bad special effects.
Should you see it? If you like good 1950's science fiction.

The lurid title belies a film that's based on the same material as "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." A conical object, presumably a ship, appears and gets investigated. There are aliens that are able to take over the bodies of humans and acquire their intelligence (mind eating, rather than brain eating). It's then a case of not being able to trust anyone because they may be on the wrong side and a race to stop them before it's too late. The brains with tentacles slithering around are extremely shoddy and detract from the film, but they're not actually funny.

Actium Maximus: War of the Alien Dinosaurs (2005)

How bad is it? It's a bad children's show stretched to feature length.
Should you see it? No.

It doesn't even have dinosaurs.

I saw this, not knowing ahead of time that it was a Troma release. Troma comes up with a title and a marketing plan and then they film; sometimes they come up with a good film, most of the time they come up with wastes of time, but when they come up with a loser, it's truly awful.

The film has only a few human actors and they are not likeable. Most of the characters are piles of rocks or bean bags with tentacles that speak in gibberish that has to be subtitled. I think Troma overestimated their target audience: they think they can read.

I can't really tell you the plot, as the film gave me a headache and I started doing other things while it was on (got my taxes done), checking periodically to see if it was improving. It didn't.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

How bad is it? It has plot holes you can drive a truck through.
Should you see it? Meh. probably not.

This was the first film directed by Uwe Boll I'd seen; I'd heard him called this generation's Ed Wood (he's not). It's based - loosely - on a video game and Tara Reid gets second billing. I was prepared for something truly awful.

Contrary to every other reviewer, I didn't hate this movie. Reid's miscast and her acting's wooden, but others, such as Christian Slater, are okay. The special effects are also okay and the direction is... okay. The big problem is the script. The final scene goes against everything the rest of the film sets out as the reality of that film world and it leaves a bad taste. The action scenes are too long and fast enough to be hard to watch. A lot is left unexplained and a lot of things left dangling. There is exactly one unintended laugh: a guy shoots randomly into the ground and it struck me as silly.

The Beast That Killed Women (1965)

How bad is it? It's about as stupid as movies get.

Should you see it? Everyone should see one nudist camp film. It's either this or "Nude on the Moon."

There was a brief time when mainstream films could show nudity if they were filmed in a nudist colony; there was a loophole that declared them as educational. Many directors took advantage of that, from H. G. Lewis to Doris Wishman, but no one made more films faster in the Florida camps than Barry Mahon.

The film's plot: an escaped gorilla kills naked women. That somehow seems to overstate the action; the gorilla (one of the worst costumes ever) doesn't show up much, so one is left with static shots of naked people conversing. This makes for some interesting blocking of shots, as full frontal was still taboo; one sees a lot of backsides, people partially obscured by signs, plants or water, or topless women wearing bottoms. A female police detective is sent to investigate and she, too, disrobes and gets chased by the "beast." Why the gorilla only attacks women isn't well addressed, nor are other plot "subtleties." There are some attractive people in the film, so actors replaced the actual colonists (I think Wishman used some locals), but the acting is more primitive than the gorilla costume.

"Rocket Attack U.S.A." is still the Mahon film to see, but I found this one mildly entertaining.

The horror films of Andy Milligan

How bad are they? In my opinion, they are the worst films ever made.

Should you see them? No. They have no redeeming values (which isn't a recommendation).

 Andy Milligan directed a number of soft-core porn films which were competently made and watchable (I've seen two). He also made a dozen gore films, usually for a couple of thousand dollars and completed in a couple of weeks; these are unwatchable. There are a few Milligan apologists, who point out that with his budget limitations, it's amazing he could make a film at all. The films are period pieces, done in costumes that are reused from film to film and which are supposed to give a timeless feel; a lot of shots are of wooded areas (on Staten Island) which keep anachronisms low. The films are extremely heavy in dialogue, which is cheaper to film than action shots. The gore effects are cheap (of course). The acting is wooden to nonexistent. The plots are minimal and similar from film to film.

"The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!" gets special mention, as I've already reviewed  a number of films where the director changed his mind about what kind of film he was making. Milligan was making a Werewolf film, but "Willard" was a hit and "Ben was in the making, so movies about rats were hot and he decided to capitalize on that. There's one effective scene of a rat getting hit by a hammer, though one feels for the animal, making it pathetic. In all of Milligan's horror films (I've seen 6), there is but one cheap laugh; in "The Ghastly Ones," a severed leg is so obviously rubber that it actually bounces. The rest is tedium.

Added 2/10/2015

People were saying that "Blood" (1974) was the Milligan film to see, so I watched it. After discovering that I was actually seeing it for a second time and forgot it, I found that it is probably THE Milligan film to see, if you must see one. There's a vampire and a werewolf (with very laughable makeup) and it drags less than usual. 

The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

How bad is it? It's barely a collection of random images, much less a film.

Should you see it? Yes.

This mess was filmed silent, with hilariously bad narration added. There's some poorly-explained secret agent story at the beginning, which has Tor Johnson (the ex-wrestler made famous in "Plan 9 From Outer Space") being hit by a nuke in the desert. The others are killed, Tor gets a few burns and apparently goes mad. He wanders off to a cave, he chase kids with a stick, he throws a boulder in frustration - this last is quite funny and endearing - and he fights the authorities when they come. He ends up dying, cuddling with a bunny. Yes, you read that right.

The film was reportedly made for $3000, but if "Robot Monster" was truly made for $580.25, as was reported, at least $2900 of the budget must've gone to Tor. This film is very much like an Ed Wood, Jr. film, from the actors to the narration to the poor effects to the plotlessness.

The Beach Girls and the Monster (1965)

aka Monster from the Surf

How bad is it? It's terrible.

Should you see it? It's a good kind of terrible.

If possible, see the version called "Monster from the Surf," which differs only in that the surfing scenes are in color and the jarring juxtaposition of color and black and white within scenes are funny.

The girls who dance on the beach (to Frank Sinatra, Jr.) while their boyfriends surf are getting killed by what appears to be a monster. The local expert claims the claw marks are the sign of a certain kind of fish and he talks about radiation and growth, but he seems fishier than the monster. His diatribes about the wastrels on the beach "going to jail!" are a lot of fun. The monster for some reason is covered in seaweed, which is an interesting touch, though the face of the monster is laughable. In the end, there's a fight between the hero and the guy in the rubber suit (hey, that's ambiguous, I'm  not giving it away) and a chase that ends with a fiery crash. The movie looks like it took a week to make and is difficult for me to separate from "The Horror of Party Beach," which would make a good double feature. [Horror of Party Beach will be reviewed here eventually.]