Galaxis (1995)

aka Galactic Force, aka Terminal Force, aka Star Crystal

How bad is it? It's one of the worst Terminator clones.
Should you see it? It has a couple of laughs, but not enough to sustain watching it.

This is "The Terminator," only eliminating the time travel aspect and arriving about 10 years too late to the video store. Brigitte Nielsen, looking the worse for wear, and Richard Moll both try to find a crystal that will make them all-powerful and which just happens to be in Los Angeles. The first ten minutes of the film have the bulk of the action and special effects - some of which are okay, some dodgy - and then the film falters whenever Nielsen has to deliver a line.

Future War (1997)

How bad is it? It's been in the IMDB bottom 100 films.
Should you see it? I hear the MST3K guys did a good job with it, but don't watch the straight version.

The eyepiece doesn't work if your eye doesn't.

In the future, they abduct people from our present and enslave them and have trained dinosaurs they pick up similarly guard them. One of the slaves escapes back to our time in this convoluted slapdash film. There's a Jean-Claude Van Damme wannabe, a gun-toting nun and the requisite big black guy running through continuity errors, strangely constructed dialog, Three Stooges-type sound effects, hand puppets held close to the camera to look like big dinosaurs, Robert Z'Dar and a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo by Forrest J. Ackerman. With all that, it still manages to be dull.

Furry Vengeance (2010)

How bad is it? It's yet another bad kid film, this time with Brendan Fraser.
Should you see it? No.

Brendan Fraser and Brooke Shields move their family to a new housing development that an unscrupulous developer (Ken Jeong) has erected and then a CGI squirrel and raccoon terrorize them to get them to go away. It's supposedly a "green" film, but it's amazing how cruel the supposedly heroic animals are to the people. With Billy Bush, Rob Riggle and Wallace Shawn.

Fugitive Rage (1996)

aka Caged Fear

How bad is it? It's a Fred Olen Ray women in prison film. That's a bad combination platter.
Should you see it? There are a few amusing moments, but not enough to make it worth while.

It's been a while since I reviewed a Fred Olen Ray film; he's so prolific, he's probably made 12 new films since then. This has women who break out of prison (not before a shower scene, though) having to fight mobsters, crooked policemen and a secret government agency. There's a moderate body count (maybe 15).  The plot is bad, the acting terrible and the direction non-existent. The few laughs I got from this came from the poor choreography; people stop in fights to prepare for the next assault and in one scene a car slows way down so the actress can roll over the hood without getting hurt. Ray gives himself a cameo, along with Robert Quarry, Ross Hagen and Calista Carradine (a third generation of bad film Carradines).

Frankenpimp (2009)

How bad is it? 8 minutes of weird in a three hour flick.
Should you see it? No.

Tony Watt may have a decent film in him, but I haven't seen it. Here he plays a reanimated android looking for a ring while trying to avoid a gangster. There's Nazis, robots, vampires, aliens, demons and whatever else popped into his head at the moment, as I doubt there was a script. There's some low budget CGI gore and Troma's Lloyd Kaufman has a cameo. Mostly, this film attempts to re-create a grindhouse feel by scratching the film, adding drop-in sound effects (the cavalry charge whenever he gets an idea is actually amusing) and hacking up the lighting. It's just random and long.

Frankenstein General Hospital (1988)

How bad is it? It's a barely sporadically amusing "Young Frankenstein."
Should you see it? If it shows up late enough at night on television, maybe.

Whatever happened to Katie Caple?

I like Mark Blankfield; I liked him on the show "Fridays," I liked him in "Robin Hood, Men in Tights," I liked him in bit parts on several TV shows. For some reason, however, he's ended up in a bunch of horror comedies, including this film, "The Incredible Shrinking Woman," "Jekyll and Hyde... Together Again," and "Dracula: Dead and Loving It" and he's not been good in them. In this one, he plays Bob Frankenstein, a descendant of the original, who ends up doing experiments in the county hospital where he works. The hospital sets, which are minimalist, are depressing and Blankfield does his role deadpan with timing that's slightly off. The monster make-up is surprisingly bad, with greasepaint scars and bolts. Leslie Jordan has the Igor role, Kathy Shower plays a doctor, and there are cameos by Ben Stein and Bobby "Boris" Pickett. This has a reputation as a terrible Frankenstein film, but it's miles ahead of many I've already reviewed and is merely an unfunny comedy.

Frank McKlusky, C.I. (2002)

How bad is it? It starts bad, gets desperate and runs out of jokes quickly.
Should you see it? Check out the cast below and you won't be able to resist. I'm sorry. You still shouldn't see it.

Dave Sheridan does Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura, and not well. His daredevil father has an accident and his mother becomes overly protective (he always wears a helmet) and he grows up to be an insurance claims investigator (i.e. "C.I."). His investigations require a variety of outlandish costumes and exactly five jokes in an hour and a half. The reason anyone would watch this is because of the cast.

The cast: Randy Quaid, Dolly Parton, Kevin Farley, Orson Bean, Chyna, Kevin Pollack, Tracy Morgan, Andy Richter, Adam Carolla, George Lopez, Molly Sims, Pat O'Brien, Emanuel Lewis, Lou Ferrigno, Willie Tyler and Lester (!!!), the band Hanson, Scott Baio, Gary Coleman, R. Lee Ermey and Chad Everett.