Black Scorpion II: Aftershock (1997)

aka Black Scorpion: Ground Zero

How bad is it? It's sort of Roger Corman's take on the 1960's Batman tv show (not good).
Should you see it? Nah.

I didn't see the original film, which I'm told was quite different and better. Joan Severance returns as the avenger-by-night. The bad guy, Prankster, is an obvious rip-off of Marvel's Joker and his busty sidekick Giggles adds little (though she does go topless); I looked her up online - she committed suicide a decade after this. The plot's hard to follow because it doesn't hold together, but there's an earthquake researcher who's creating earthquakes. There's a car that morphs from one type to another, though the chase scenes are done in close-up to hide their cheapness. There's an appearance by Garrett Morris, an exploding clown, Joan Severance proving she can neither do martial arts nor comedy, a squirt gun full of acid, cartoon sound effects (reminiscent of Three Stooges) and a little nudity to keep young male watchers' attention. This was followed by a TV series that lasted a season and a video, "Black Scorpion Returns," neither of which I feel compelled to see.

Black Magic Woman (1991)

How bad is it? It's an unerotic unthrilling erotic thriller.
Should you see it? No.

Remaking "Fatal Attraction" with some black magic elements wasn't enough, they marketed this as an erotic thriller (it's more a mild horror). Mark Hamill plays an art gallery owner who has an affair with Appolonia Kotero, but when he goes back to his girlfriend, he finds a sort of curse has been placed on him. This leads to sexual dysfunction, maybe cancer or AIDS, insanity and murder. He tries to have an exorcism performed and there's a twist ending you should see a mile away. There's a microwave substituting for a witch's cauldron, Hamill in tight underwear and a brief shot of Appolonia nude. A mediocre version of the Carlos Santana title song gets played.

Bloodlust (1992)

aka The Lion, The Leopard and the Wolf

How bad is it? It's intentionally stupid, annoying and tasteless.
Should you see it? If you have a high tolerance for bad taste, maybe.

This film has a few former punk rockers in the cast and has a decent Australian punk soundtrack (nice to hear the Revolting Cocks) and so it's not surprising that the film has a sort of punk ethic: it's loud, it's garish, it's over-the-top and it's cheap. Three vampires in Melbourne (with horrendous "American" accents) kill for money as much as for blood. There's a lot of blood. There's a lot of so-so gore. There's a lot of sex. It's intentionally overacted and one character has the most eye-rollingly bad performance since 1934's "The Border Menace." The vampires are pursued by a religious band and they plan to knock over a casino, so the film ends with a three-way bloodbath. Along the way, we get oral castration, gay sex with a corpse, way too much fish-eye lens and not much sense that there were rehearsals.

The Bitch (1979)

aka Lady Diamond, aka Jackie Collins' The Bitch

How bad is it? It's a Jackie Collins book with disco. Nuff said.
Should you see it? No - unless you really liked "The Stud."

Joan Collins, fresh off starring in a film based on her sister's trash novel, "The Stud," goes on to its sequel. A nightclub owner has an affair, her marriage falls apart and she's at risk of losing her business to the mafia, so she becomes a jet-setting diamond smuggler and horse race fixer... as one does. There's lots of disco music and the film is all nightclubs and sex scenes. Her high-class Mayfair establishment is named "Hobo." There's a gangster named "Thrush Feather." John Ratzenberger has a small role and an uncredited Bill Nighy plays a flower delivery boy. Admittedly, Joan looks good for age... 46?... but that's about all the film has to recommend it.

Bimbo Movie Bash (1997)

How bad is it? It's just other films spliced together and re-dubbed.
Should you see it? No.

It seems that at some point Full Moon pictures (who I've said bad things about on this blog several times) released a CD-ROM that allowed one to splice together scenes from their films. Someone took scenes from about a dozen films - some quite entertaining, some forgettable - mashed them together and then added a narrator who tells the story of bimbos from outer space who join the bimbos of Earth to defeat male chauvinists, but fail... because they're bimbos. Clips have scenes with Adrienne Barbeau, Michelle Bauer, Morgan Fairchild, Elizabeth Kaitan, Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, Julie Strain and Shannon Tweed.

The Big Sweat (1991)

How bad is it? It's more than half borrowed footage and less than half plotted.
Should you see it? Only if you're a Z'Dar fan.

This might be the worst film with Robert Z'Dar, which is saying something, but then again, it was directed by Ulli Lommel, so it's necessarily bad. An ex-con released from prison gets involved in a bank heist that's supposed to be infallible (apparently, walk in, rob, walk out has never been tried before) and then gets pursued relentlessly by an FBI agent. This pursuit includes a 35 minute (!) car chase, entirely consisting of footage lifted from better films. There's two scenes involving bathrooms, a ping pong game, maybe 4 sets, color balance issues, boom mic picking up wind sounds, drivers with changing hair color in cars from 15 years earlier and an opening walk that takes forever and has a change of clothing continuity error. This is completely slapdash, but Z'Dar is always fun to watch.

Beyond the Doors (1989)

aka Down On Us (1984)

How bad is it? It's wretched, even by Larry Buchanan standards.
Should you see it? Perhaps in small doses. Fortunately, you can see it on YouTube in 10 minute videos.

Biggest image I could find

I actually enjoy (to a small extent) Larry Buchanan's monster movies, but never delved into his other work. He's made a bunch of conspiracy films and this one alleges that Richard Nixon started a plan to kill off the rock stars who were against the Vietnam War. The actors portraying Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin look nothing like them, can't act and sing in suspiciously 1980-ish fashion. Worse still, Buchanan couldn't get the rights to any of their music, so there's 12 original songs - all forgettable - that substitute. Even worse than that, all the concert footage takes place on the same tiny stage, though it's supposed to be in several different countries ("Woodstock" has about 30 people in attendance). Yet worse than that, musicians were so hard to get that they all put on fake wigs and pretend to be members of each others' bands. From the horrendously bad acting in a hunting "accident" assassination in the first minute to Morrison's joining a monastery, the looniness is unabated. Unfortunately, at two hours, it's tough to sit through.