Bog (1979/1983)

How bad is it? It didn't get released for 4 years. The only VHS copies are from 1984.
Should you see it? If you miss 1950's rubber-suit monsters and the people who loved them.

A redneck fishing with dynamite in Wisconsin releases a monster from the depths. Elderly actors Gloria DeHaven (in two roles), Aldo Ray (typecast sheriff), Marshall Thompson and Leo Gordon spend most of the movie gabbing, drinking and ambling slowly. Thompson does a double-take at one point that's laugh-out-loud funny. All the kills occur off-screen and the monster's not seen very much, which is a mixed blessing. The footage is very grainy and the editing is so poor that scenes seem to become freeze-framed. The monster only attacks women, poor sound synch causes the wrong voice to come out of a mouth, "hypodermic needle" gets mispronounced in a way that makes you wonder if it's drunkenness or intentional, the lab scenes tell us the monster might be cancer - a living fossil - might be partly metal, and the plan to kill the monster involves scents and foam (the fire department "will spray anything"). The creature laid eggs and the possibility of a sequel gets posited.

BoardingHouse (1982)

aks Housegeist, aka Bad Force, aka Boarding House

How bad is it? It's frequently listed among "worst films ever made."
Should you see it? Yes. Connoisseurs of crap should see this.

Yet another film considered by some as the first to be shot on videotape and then transferred to 35mm for theatrical release, this is a complete trainwreck and has been compared (not fairly) to the work of Ed Wood. The writer/director/star claims that the film was originally about 150 minutes and planned as a parody, but got edited into a serious horror film coming in at 98 minutes; there's a little evidence to support this - it looks like 50 minutes is missing, all of which would be plot. The story is about a house where people have been killed telepathically and the new owner, who practices some weird yoga that gives him telekinetic powers, opens the house to rent for only young, attractive women, who then go on to have pool/shower/lingerie parties, then have hallucination and get killed off. Right from the start you know you're in for crap, when the credits are screened on a Commodore 64. There's a William Castle-like gimmick of a very poor graphic coming on screen as an alert that you can look away, as a scary scene is coming. There's a bloody shower, a monster in a closet, faces turned into (cheap) ugly masks and a few bizarre lines of dialog, like "I cut myself on the apple." Mostly, the film just jumps from one scene to another randomly, with lurching zooms and people not in frame and nothing makes any sense. The only good thing about it is the box cover art. It's one of those films that's terrible, inexplicable, but actually watchable.

Bloody Murder (2000)

How bad is it? It just might be the most derivative movie ever made.
Should you see it? No.

Killer stalks teens at a summer camp - think you've seen it? Killer wears a hockey mask - wait, isn't that another film? Killer uses chainsaw - isn't that yet another film? This received some positive reviews and actually has two sequels (which I'm told are slightly better), but I don't get it. It's not a parody or an homage, it's not particularly bloody and there's little nudity (was there any? I don't recall) and there's nothing original about it, except the killer has the least threatening name ever: Trevor Moorehouse. I honestly think the people who say they like this actually saw the 1973 film of the same name. The title refers to a game that's played in the film, though the best line of the film suggests a better game and a better title: "Six degrees of mutilation." The chainsaw is supposed to replace his left hand, but the hand reappears regularly, the chainsaw changes size and it makes noise even when not running. The narrator's voice doesn't match that same character's voice in the film (hey, it even rips off "How I Met Your Mother!") and the plot has some problems. There's a ton of red herrings, which is nice, and the ending is actually a surprise and clever - but it's a long slog to get there.

BloodRayne 3: The Third Reich (2010)

How bad is it? It's better than part 2, but it's very bad.
Should you see it? If you've made it through the first 2, I suppose you might as well.

I tend to like the Uwe Boll film's best that others hate most, so I end up watching a lot of them. This time the BloodRayne series actually gets to the time period of the video game, but that's problematic, because it trivializes the horrors of Nazi Germany (there's a sex scene in a truck on the way to a death camp, for example). Our bisexual half-vampire heroine has to team up with resistance fighters to defeat undead Nazis intent upon making Hitler immortal through vampirism. It has Michael Pare' as the villain and a rather entertaining Clint Howard as the mad scientist, but those two talk their way through most of this film. The rest of the film is simply disjointed and pointless scenes of violence and sex. The film tries not to be campy - a failing - but doesn't really offer anything but appeals to the basest of interests. [Wow, did I just get moral?]

Blood Surf (2000)

aka Krocodylus, aka Crocodile

How bad is it? It has some truly terrible CGI and it's unoriginal.
Should you see it? Yes - it's entertaining, and that's what counts.

The latest extreme sport is "blood surfing," where guys surf in shark-infested waters after tossing chum in the water and cutting their feet. Sharks aren't the problem however, as there's a 31 foot 3000 pound prehistoric crocodile that wants to eat them. The crocodile takes a while, maybe 30 minutes, to get going, but there's plenty of nudity and sex scenes to keep one watching. When it does appear, it's okay when they use miniatures, but stupendously, hilariously awful in CGI. There's also a subplot with pirates and, while it's supposed to be near Australia, it looks like Philippines to me. There's some fun dialog: "You're luggage!" and "Crockteaser!" It's a standard middle-of-the-road giant animal attack film, but it's quite watchable.

Blood Sisters (1987)

aka Slash

How bad is it? It reportedly was made as a contractual obligation - and it shows.
Should you see it? It has a few moments, but not enough. So... no.

This film got some attention because of a Joe Bob Briggs commentary (and an interview with director Roberta Findlay). Sorority pledges are sent to a spooky former brothel for a hell night initiation scavenger hunt that's been booby-trapped with surprises by a fraternity. It also just happens to have ghost hookers and a transvestite slasher! There's a strangulation by garter, a couple of shootings, a hanging (plus a hanging mannequin), a fall down a stairwell that's particularly fake-looking, a stabbing and a nailing into a coffin - none of which happens in the first 2/3rds of the film, which is filled with bad dialogue ("Eat my shorts, tampon breath!") and slow searching shot by flashlight and with a droning keyboard soundtrack. As usual, Findlay takes some chances, has some interesting shots (here involving mirrors) and avoids some cliches - the girls have personalities (though grating ones) rather than being just victims and there's no tacked-on morality of a "good" girl left for last who manages to escape. The film's duller and stupider than most Findlay films, the acting is atrocious, and there's some plot problems - the ghosts are just a red herring when all is finished.

Blood Screams (1990)

aka The Bloody Monks (1988), aka Los Monjes Sagrientos, aka Monks of Blood, aka La Maldicion del Monasterio

How bad is it? Cheap and poorly constructed, this could've been good.
Should you see it? Only if you're a Russ Tamblyn fan.

This rarity is available only on very old VHS (I saw a Spanish language version online). In a prologue, an entire monastery gets killed off by a guy trying to satisfy a demon. Now, a Mexican psychology student researching his past ends up in that town and meets Russ Tamblyn, playing a magician, and his female assistant and, of course, there's a bit of a romance. Then there's people disappearing and the town blaming the strangers for it, rather than the zombie demon clergy. The girl's got a past and has creepy nightmares, Tamblyn does some tricks and is generally amusing, there's some terrible acting, lighting that switches from too dark to glaring, a sub-plot with buried gold, another one with a witch and some very poor make-up gore effects. There's way too much plot, yet the film drags interminably - and the film's only 75 minutes long.