The Final Storm (2010)

How bad is it? It might be Uwe Böll's second-best film, so... middling.
Should you see it? Nah.

There are a ton of people who are proclaiming Böll as the worst director around and he's not even in the bottom dozen. This film has decent performances by Luke Perry and Lauren Holly. It's a confused narrative arc about a romantic triangle, a post-apocalyptic change in weather, some supernatural horror... and then devolves into a psycho killer film. None of it's very interesting, but it is watchable.

The Fat Spy (1966)

How bad is it? It's a "Beach Party" wannabe that fails. That's pretty grim.
Should you see it? Only if you're a huge fan of one of the stars.

Jack E. Leonard plays twins, one of whom is a cosmetics mogul who believes the fountain of youth is on an island off Florida (the other is a spy). Teenagers invade the island on a scavenger hunt. Phyllis Diller, Brian Donlevy and Jayne Mansfield make the least of their screen time. There's a lot of musical numbers, some of which aren't too bad. There's a mermaid. There's a dance called "The Turtle." There's a building set for destruction by air conditioning. There's about half a dozen intentional laughs.

Fascination (2004)

aka Heart of Stone

How bad is it? Dull and overblown.
Should you see it? No, unless you're a Jacqueline Bisset completist.

This erotic thriller was written decades before filming. A former Olympic swimmer drowns and his wife quickly remarries. Her son thinks it's murder and confides in his new stepsister and they fall in love. Then the stepsister starts looking suspicious as well. The second half of the film is overloaded with plot twists and surprise revelations. For an erotic thriller, there's no nudity and no tension.

Full Impact (1993)

aka American Streetfighter 2: Full Impact

How bad is it? One version's worse than the other, but both are pretty terrible.
Should you see it? Yes, if you like bad martial arts films.

Gary Daniels plays a bounty hunter that used to be a cop. He tracks a serial killer of prostitutes, which leads to a lot of nakedness on film. The climactic fight scene is really long and rather silly (it reminds me of Peter Griffin fighting the giant rooster on Family Guy). The voices were added in post-production - as were some bad sound effects - and they don't synch well. The camerawork is often shaky and poorly focused. The plot is thin and has a lot of holes, especially if you see the version called AS2, which seems to be missing entire scenes. Some of the dialogue is quite funny, unintentionally.

Farce of the Penguins (2006)

aka Penguin's March

How bad is it? This blows.
Should you see it? No.

Long before Bob Saget did little voice-overs for home videos on "America's Funniest Home Videos," he did one of the bluest stand-up routines; he's one of only 2, for example, who tell the whole joke in "The Aristocrats." Here, he tries to combine the two threads in a parody of "March of the Penguins," with no success at all, either as writer or director. Samuel L. Jackson narrates. Lewis Black, Tracy Morgan, Christina Applegate, Mo'Nique, Jason Alexander, Jim Belushi, Jason Biggs, Dane Cook, fellow "Full House" alums John Stamos and Dave Coulier, Harvey Fierstein, Whoopi Goldberg, Alyson Hannigan, Gilbert Gottfried, Jamie Kennedy, Brie Larson, John Lovitz and Norm MacDonald all contribute voices, but not laughs. The whole plot: penguin wants sex, has to cross Antarctica to get it. If this had been edited to a tight five minutes, it might've been great.

Fateful Findings (2013)

How bad is it? It's barely a film. It's one of the worst-made films of recent years.
Should you see it? Yes. This will become the next "The Room."

Neil Breen has written, directed, starred in and edited a few films, this being his most entertainingly awful. It's hard to explain the plot - if one exists - but a man gains paranormal powers from a small black cube and possibly from a car accident and he then hacks into government and business computers, so he knows everything about a huge cover-up of some sort. The paranoia reminds me of Tom Loughin's "Billy Jack" films, as does the insistence that the lead character is irresistible to women and a genius. The scenes are somewhat random, with no transitions, no structure and no pacing. The acting is abysmal - far worse than most porn - and the dialogue is filled with quotable bad lines: "No more books!" and "I didn't know you committed suicide" being the highlights. There's unexplained mystical ghostly apparitions, terrible green screen, actors shot only from the neck down to disguise that they are playing multiple roles, a hospital room that consists of three oxygen tanks AND CARPETING (the one time comparison to Ed Wood makes sense). Laptops are in almost every scene, but they are never on and they are always thrown before the scene ends, as are phones, books and all other small objects.

Fall Down Dead (2007)

How bad is it? Waste of time.
Should you see it? No.

Udo Kier and David Carradine sleepwalk through this film, while the rest of the cast overact. On Christmas Eve (the first cliche of thousands), a killer tracks a witness to an office building that just happens to be in a rolling blackout. The phones also just happen not to work. The plot is awful, the dialogue worse, the soundtrack intrusive and the effects mediocre (it looks like a TV movie budget). There's a kevlar vest that only works when the plot requires it to. It's slow and doesn't even come to a satisfying end.