Gorp (1980)

How bad is it? Very minor 1980's teen comedy. More loud than funny.
Should you see it? Only if a fan of the cast.

The last film released by AIP, this is a poor man's "Meatballs." It's about the wait staff at a Jewish summer camp. It's interesting to see Dennis Quaid, Fran Drescher, Rosanna Arquette and David Huddleston in early roles, but the film itself is extremely episodic and hopes that energy - and loudness (every line seems yelled) - will equate to humor. The stereotyping has not aged well. The final battle between rival campers is over-the-top and it's amazing no one was hurt, as a girl gets run over by a tank. It's not without interest, but all the characters are unsympathetic and the jokes are forced.

The Giant Gila Monster (1959)

How bad is it? It's one of the worse teenagers and monsters films from the 1950's.
Should you see it? Yes.

Fun fact: gila monsters defend themselves by squirting blood out of their eyes; that would've been cool to add to this film. Instead, we get the most innocent teenage hot-rodder in movie history as the hero. As people go missing, the sheriff investigates and it all comes down to a teen to save the day, after he sings a song and tries to get a French girl with a very thick accent to drink from a puddle. The monster is never back-projected, so never shares the screen with its victims and all violence is off camera. The most amazing thing about this film is the blocking of scenes - once you notice that the sheriff always puts his foot up on an object to look casual, you'll see him looking for things to put his foot on.

Ghoulies Go to College (1991)

aka Ghoulies III

How bad is it? Second sequel in an inferior franchise that ran dry in the original.
Should you see it? Only if you're a fan of someone in the cast.

This was released on VHS in the U.S., but on DVD overseas; that confusion seems to be par for this film. The critters (oops, sorry, that's a different rip-off of Gremlins) talk in this sequel for some reason... and they talk a lot. Kevin McCarthy plays the dean of a college, Jason Scott Lee is a member of one of two fraternities playing pranks on each other, Marcia Wallace plays Miss McButtock (yes, that's the level of humor) and Hope Marie Carlton and Eva LaRue are the eye candy. The ghoulies arise from a toilet after an incantation from a comic book. One victim is flushed down a toilet. There's a lot of toilets.

Ganjasaurus Rex (1987)

How bad is it? Home movie made by stoners.
Should you see it? Maybe. It has a couple of laughs. If you're stoned, maybe a few more.

Shot on a home video recorder, this even has the time stamp showing through most of it; there's also stock footage of helicopters and police raids on marijuana fields that have different time stamps (that I noticed shows how bored I was). Police burn a marijuana crop that happens to have prehistoric plants that look suspiciously like sequoias and this awakens a dinosaur that lives on the plants. It goes on a rampage as it seeks marijuana. The dinosaur is a man-sized inflatable moved by stop-motion; it's held by hand to keep it in place and the hand is usually visible. It's mildly amusing, but it runs out of steam fast. The monster is forced into the ocean at the end.

From Hell It Came (1957)

How bad is it? It has one of the most laughable monsters ever created.
Should you see it? Yes. It's not perfect, but it has its moments.

This is one of those classic B-movies, like "The Brain from Planet Arous," that are beloved, despite their failings. In this, a native prince of a Pacific island returns from the dead as a walking tree. The rubber suited monster looks disgruntled, more than evil. There's a doctor and an anthropologist that are studying a plague or H-bomb fall-out; the two seem connected. Nothing really happens for the first half hour. There's a truly terrible British accent, some classic dud dialogue and maybe 15 minutes of rampage at the end. The monster's so slow and, well, wooden, that capturing people seems unlikely.

The First 9 1/2 Weeks (1998)

How bad is it? Unwanted low budget, direct to video sequel with nothing interesting.
Should you see it? No.

The second sequel to the erotic thriller "9 1/2 Weeks," this is a prequel that uses none of the cast of the original, nor any of the plot. Malcolm McDowell plays a millionaire in New Orleans (he can't do the accent), whose wife has an affair. Then things go wrong, there's a sheriff involved, there's some minor background characters that take their clothes off (it IS Mardi Gras, after all) and it all leads to a trick ending that's not worth the wait. The jazz soundtrack is forgettable, but better than the dialogue or acting.

Fire Serpent (2007)

How bad is it? Typical SyFy channel cheese. Poorly done, low budget.
Should you see it? It's actually watchable, so on a slow night...

I watched this for a different reason than most viewers: it's supposed to take place in Minnesota and I like to see films that botch the local flavor [Just watched the much better "Contagion" that suggests Minneapolis is on an island in one scene, for example]. It gives William Shatner a creative credit and has the usual bunch of (then-named) Sci-Fi channel has-beens: Randolph Mantooth, Nicholas Brendon and Richard Beltran. Solar flares turn into monsters and start fires, but also sometimes become sentient ash and sometimes take over people's minds. The best scene has a woman cut in two with laser eyesight, though the CGI effects are universally poor. There's a lot of threads to tie together: Biblical prophecy, government cover-up, hitman and arsonist - which culminate in a stupid climax.