M'Lady's Court (1973)

aka The Countess Died of Laughter, aka Devils in the Convent, aka Knickers Ahoy

How bad is it? Sex comedy with few laughs and a lot of padding.
Should you see it? Not really.

This was the last (sixth?) of a series of German-language films based on a bawdy song and filmed with a largely Italian cast. It's sort of in the "Carry On" tradition of silly comedy with a lot of nudity, in this case a lot of bare bottoms (which is at least a change from breast-obsessed comedies, I guess). A courtesan dies - ridiculously - and her heir is a girl in a convent. A man goes to the convent to find out which of five girls is the heir and all five are apparently nymphomaniacs. The film is heavily padded with footage from the earlier films, which appear to have been higher in budget.

Mutant Hunt (1987)

How bad is it? In some ways, stupifyingly bad.
Should you see it? Yes.

God help me, I like some Tim Kincaid films (see also "Robot Holocaust"), which are terrible, know that they're terrible and just keep going like that's not an issue. The plot to this one involves a new generation of androids (or cyborgs or mutants - the terms get thrown around haphazardly) which have been injected with a drug to become an army of uncontrollable sex deviants - or so they say in the film, though there's absolutely no evidence of that shown. And, while we're at it, if you create an army, wouldn't you want to be able to control it? Oops, that kind of thinking has no place in Tim Kincaid's New York of the future, where men in tighty whities live in minimalist rooms decorated with weapons fully ready for use. The "mutants" wear sunglasses for no perceivable reason and spew yellow cheese when killed. Oh, and they're telepathic. The best scene has a handcuffed mutant stretch his arm several yards to get an axe so he can chop off his own arm at the wrist and continue fighting. There are people on the street who just accept decapitations as everyday occurrences. The evil Domina is laughably weird; I think she's supposed to be both sexy and dangerous, but is neither. The one reasonable character gets tossed out a window to her death (actually, she's a robot of sorts, so she just gets destroyed) and no one seems to care.

Moscow Zero (2006)

How bad is it? Dull and pretentious, but different.
Should you see it? Probably not. There are a few people who really love this film, but just a few.

Vincent Gallo plays a priest who goes to Russia in search of a man who went into the catacombs beneath a Moscow church, never to return. The film is mostly shot underground, so it's dark, and there's a lot of interior monologue, so it's quiet, and the film slowly gives hints to the mystery at the center of the story, so it's dull - and there's a lot of artsy shots that make it pretentious. Val Kilmer has a cameo as the gatekeeper to hell. Sage Stallone has a small role. The pretty blonde is Oksana Akinshina of "The Bourne Supremacy."

SPOILER - I think it might be better to go into this knowing what's only hinted at. The children found underground believe that the entrance from above, our world, is hell and that we are demons or ghosts. If you miss that, and most people seem to, the film has nothing going for it.

Bat Pussy (1973)

How bad is it? It's often regarded as the worst porn film ever made.
Should you see it? If terrible 1970's porn is your thing, it's a revelation.

This one's out of alphabetical order, but I've been putting it off because I can't find a usable image (my security balks at photos and the word "pussy"); if you have one safe for work, send it my way!

An average to unattractive couple attempt to make a porn film in a cheap motel room. The hero, a supposed parody of Batman, is on his way to stop their immorality; his scenes consist of inserts of him riding a red rubber ball across the countryside. The couple spend most of the film arguing. The guy has some performance issues (as would anyone hoping to use this as porn). The quality is slightly better than home movie level. There are no credits.

First: is this the worst porn film? My standard is "M 3-D: the Movie," which I saw about 1982 and was filmed about 1974-1977. That film is a pastiche of shots - naked people bouncing on trampolines (but not high enough or fast enough to jiggle), a guy in a pink rabbit costume for no reason and 3-D inserts of John Holmes that had to be outtakes from some other film. The 3-D is out of focus. "Bat Pussy" is certainly in the running for worst, but there are several contenders.

Second: is the terribleness intentional? I have a feeling that this was made as a joke, perhaps for a bachelors party, where they wanted to swap out the intended stag film for the worst possible film... and that required actually making one. The fact that no one has ever been identified as being involved with this is very suspect.

It's terrible. For some tastes, the terribleness is amusing (I found it a bit annoying).

Meatballs 4 (1992)

aka Happy Campers, aka Summer Vacation,  aka Meatballs 4: To the Rescue, aka Meatballs 4: Summer Vacation

How bad is it? It's about as bad as sequels get.
Should you see it? No.

The good news: there's no Meatballs 5.

This time Corey Feldman stars, making a grand entrance by parachute and skateboard and finishing the film breaking the 4th wall saying "I was in 'Goonies!'" Jack Nance is the owner of the failing water skiing summer camp that has a fortune in equipment and tons of college-age girls that could be models (certainly not actresses) who are willing to go topless. There's a rigged competition that Feldman wins anyway and the payoff is a rematch, which goes as expected.

Meatballs III: Summer Job (1986)

How bad is it? Yikes, this one's crap!
Should you see it? No (unless you must see every film by someone in the cast). Still VHS only, I think.

Meatballs 2 wasn't an actual sequel or a sex comedy, so Meatballs 3, which is, should be better, right? Well, it's not. Patrick Dempsey returns as Rudy, though his character's very different and the film doesn't even take place at a summer camp. A porn star, played by Sally Kellerman, dies (in flagrante delicto) and St. Peter won't let her into heaven unless she does a good deed, which turns out to be helping Rudy lose his virginity. She suggests stuffing his underwear with salami. There's a wet t-shirt contest. Shannon Tweed is involved, as are a lot of Canadians (Al Waxman, Ronnie Hawkins and that's Loverboy on the soundtrack). It's very rape-y, but not sexy or even dirty and not at all funny.

Meatballs, Part II (1984)

How bad is it? Pointless and unneeded sequel, lacking in all departments.
Should you see it? No, though the cast is interesting.

The first "Meatballs" succeeded despite itself, but this time Bill Murray doesn't return and nothing works. The summer camp will close unless they win a boxing match and there's a tough kid doing community service there that they depend upon. Most of the film follows camp counselors trying unsuccessfully to find a secluded place for romance, but there's also an extraterrestrial named Meathead that doesn't move its eyes or mouth, but smokes weed and whose first words are "Who farted?" The cast is surprising: Richard Mulligan, John Larroquette, Misty Rowe, Felix "Cousin Itt" Silla, Paul Reubens, Kim Richards, Elayne Boosler and a very young Nancy Glass.