A Place Called Today (1972)

aka City in Fear

How bad is it? For an X-Rated film, it's pretty dull.
Should you see it? No.

Cheri Caffaro has had a cult following, though I've never understood it. Her "Ginger" films are like all other hardboiled woman action sleaze, except that Caffaro would get naked - actually, she'd always get raped, which, given that the director (Don Schain) was her husband, is creepy. She gets raped again in this film, again directed by her husband, and then killed, as she isn't the star of the film for once. Neither is Lana Wood, who has a bigger role (the only other recognizable actor is Harry Reems in an uncredited cameo; many sources mention Janet Leigh, of all people, being in this, but if she were, her scenes were cut). The "star" of the film is social and political commentary, of which the film is replete. The film consists largely of static shots of people very angrily shouting about racial conflicts, usually straight into the camera. The plot, such as it is, has a mayoral candidate inciting racial violence to catapult him into office - that sounds more relevant to today's politics than it is.

Polanski Unauthorized (2009)

aka Polanski

How bad is it? Perhaps the worst biopic I've seen.
Should you see it? No.

Roman Polanski's led an unusual life that's not easy to encapsulate, but this film does no justice at all to the subject. The story ping-pongs between times involving such things as his mother being raped in a Nazi prison camp, his statutory rape of a 13 year-old (played by a woman who looks 20) and the filming of "Rosemary's Baby," where he had a satanist on staff. There's a suggestion that it was actually the Devil himself, plus Polanski's being European and maybe just a bit of mental illness that led to his downfall, but it's such a muddle that nothing gets said. It's also dull.

Pulsebeat (1985)

How bad is it? The worst of the aerobics exploitation films of the 1980's.
Should you see it? If you can find it and you're a fan of the sub-genre.

After "Perfect" and "Heavenly Bodies" and not crossing genres like "Aerobicide," this is the end of the line for aerobics films. A guy who owns a gym, but has a fear of failure, is pushed toward an aerobics competition (including a bike race on stationary bikes) against a rival gym that's been stealing away his best instructors. When people are clothed - there's so much nudity that there's actually nudity during the credits - they're wearing the most atrocious spandex and lycra outfits with leg warmers and their hair teased to its limits. There's sex in a weight room as well as in a shower and there are so many exercise montages that they almost overlap; the cameraman hovers over bodies in as perverted a way as possible. The acting and dialogue could be in a porn film and the film's story is such that you keep wondering if you zoned out and missed it. Unfortunately, zoning out is all too frequent, as this is a dull little snoozefest.

Penitentiary III (1987)

How bad is it? Perhaps the worst men's prison film.
Should you see it? It's so weird I have to say yes.

The first two films in this series were strange, but the third one is so odd that it becomes self-parody. A boxer is given a drug that makes him so violent that he kills a man in the ring, so he's sent to prison. This prison, first of all, has a dungeon. Second, it has a little person, "Midnight Thud," that's like a feral ninja, occasionally unleashed on unruly prisoners; this leads to some bizarre fight scenes worth watching. Then the boxer is trained by the the little guy in boxing/martial arts/wrestling and this leads to the final redemptive fight. There's a lot of crack smoking in this film and, I suspect, in the writer's apartment.

Please Don't Eat My Mother! (1973)

aka Sexpot Swingers, aka Glump, aka Hungry Pets, aka Please Not My Mother, aka Please Release My Mother

How bad is it? Bottom-tier 1970's soft-core.
Should you see it? I can't imagine why you should.

This is an obvious remake of "Little Shop of Horrors" that escapes legal action by adding sex subplots and removing what wit or charm the original may have had. A 40 year-old living with his mother is unable to get a girlfriend, so he becomes a peeping Tom. This means that our main character does little but stare and leer while the cameraman shoots mostly unattractive people having sex. One couple is in a park, but manage to be in the same sex act every time they're peeped upon, supposedly over the course of days. The guy then buys a plant that eats people and his mother gets dispatched about half-way through the film - and she's such a harridan that you'll be glad and feel that her son must be of two minds about it - and he then becomes attached to the plant and recruits more victims. The director gave himself a small role as a detective. Porn star Rene Bond is the only recognizable, um, face. The jokes, such as they are, fall flat.

The Playgirl Killer (1967)

aka Decoy for Terror

How bad is it? Low-budget lurid trash, but watchable.
Should you see it? Yes. It's a classic of sorts.

William Kerwin, who had been in H.G. Lewis films under the names Thomas Wood and Tommy Smallwood, stars in this film, did the writing with his brother and directed at least some of it. Similar to Lewis' "Color Me Blood Red," this is the story of an artist, who, upset by his models moving - such as breathing - kills them and stores them in a meat locker. The police send a girl in undercover as bait. Neil Sedaka (!?) lounges by the pool for the first 30 minutes, having little to do with the plot, but supplying two songs, including "Waterbug," before disappearing. The film seems to have been made for Canadian television, but the video version has shots that couldn't be aired. It's silly and badly acted, but it does seem coherent.

Once Upon a Time in Brooklyn (2013)

aka Goat

How bad is it? Dull gangster film.
Should you see it? Nope.

This has decent cinematography and a good cast, including Armand Assante, Cathy Moriarty, Ice-T, Ja Rule and Vincent Pastore, but it will disappoint anyone expecting this to be a standard gangster film. There are no drugs, car chases or sex scenes and almost no swearing or deaths. What you do get is a guy fresh out of jail going back to what put him in jail and wondering if that's what he's cut out to do. Add some intrusive guitar music to his musings and stretch to 100 minutes. It's not terrible, but it is a waste.